Where Have I Been?

Well, I joined WW again. I am quitting it again. Too much money for what I get out of it. It's a good program and it certainly does work for people, but I just want to concentrate on clean eating and exercise.

I am 168 pounds. Eff. It could be alot worse and I know that I don't look appalling, but when am I ever going to lose this weight?

What's Up With Me?

What is up with me? I have been fighting a minor urge to binge all day. I just ate two bowls of oatmeal, milk, protein powder and sugar-free chocolate mousse mix. Why?

I was mixing it and it popped into my head, "I am angry". I am angry at my father. I have been obsessing all day about how he did not accept my independence. I detached after I moved out, I spent less time with him and Mom. I probably hurt Mom's feelings. I probably hurt his feelings. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have just finished a fun afternoon watching two other children along with Richard. I then felt angry at my father. I have been a loving, warm, respectful caregiver and mother. I know I am.

Why couldn't he appreciate that? Why can't he see what a great person I am? Why is it so hard for him to see that I am loving, kind, respectful and fun? Why is he so distant? What have I done wrong?

It's Good News

Well, I have been weighing in every day. It's been helpful in keeping from the "binging tunnel vision" I get. You know, when the only thing I can see is chocolate and all I can think about is how chocolate tastes good. When I can remember how it feels to wake up after a binge and realize that I am not going to make my goals again, I can stay out of "binge mode".

So, I weighed myself and I have lost three pounds. Good for me! However, it is a small potential trap because it triggers the pre-binge thoughts, "Hey, I am AHEAD of my weight loss goal. It's easy to lose weight. Let's eat!"

Again, a deconstruction:

"It's easy to lose weight. Why don't I eat and lose the weight I gain?"

If it is so easy, why is the baby almost three and you still have thirty pounds to lose?

"I deserve a treat! Everyone else gets a treat!"

Is that why obesity is a major health problem in Canada?

"I can handle just a little"

Right now it may feel like you can, but that ALWAYS snowballs into a binge. You may get sleepy tomorrow afternoon, and then - BAM! Your willpower and focus disapears and you binge.

Do you want to write out your weight loss goals AGAIN?

155 pounds by December 25.

A slim, sexy Christmas.

Feeling thin and sexy in the Fall.

Looking good at the baby's third birthday party.

161 by September 1st

158 by October 1st

155 by December 25th

I can do it!!

Worried

Had a really positive day. Exercised like crazy, felt good, stuck to healthy eating plan, then - aagh.

I made my son some peanut butter pudding. It's peanut butter, (sugar free) yogurt, (non-fat, plain) mixed with a packet of 'sugar free' chocolate mousse powder. I ate about 1/2 cup. Yet I knew that the ingredients included glucose, sugar. I am scared now that I will have a monster craving later. I probably will be at the mall, I am scared that I will get the 'tunnel vision' and just say "What the hell".

Here is a deconstruction of my pre-binge thoughts:

"I can always start tomorrow".

True, but it feels horrible to wake up from yet another binge and have to start over.

"I am not so fat that I look horrible"

You don't feel good at this weight. It is not a healthy weight. You are too young to become a frumpy mom.

"Poor me! Poor me! Everyone else is eating this!"

How will they feel later? Some will feel fine, some may not. However, if you eat it, you will have to deal with the consequences.

I want it NOW. I want to feel good NOW. Poor me, I deserve this."

How will you feel tomorrow? How will you feel tonight?

How do you feel having to write out weight loss goals again?

155 pounds by December 25.

I want to button up my blue cordoroys with ease.

Still Positive

I thought that I would blog while I feel positive. I was sick yesterday and could not exercise, but I did not binge. I certainly ate more than I should have, but when I feel ill I feel crazy hungry. I feel good today. I am going to exercise, clean up the place and go out with the baby. Could be more exciting, but that's what I want to do.

New Challenge

I want to go for seventeen weeks without sugar. That will take me to December 25th. I want want want want to feel slim and sexy at Christmas.

So far, we are three days into week one of NO SUGAR. Good for me.

Somehow Positive

I feel more positive and hopeful today. I just feel that I can lose weight if I avoid my 'fat traps'. My relationship with my sister causes me so much anxiety. I feel guilty about resenting her and sad. I also feel confused, am I being unreasonable? Or selfish?

I don't know.

I Binged Again

I just feel the need to get that out there. I was tired today. I could not remember a reason why not. I feel sad and scared that I am always going to be fat. I feel sad that I failed. That I was frankly, stupid. Just stupid. I know that I could have made a different choice, but I didn't. I just was too tired to go out, and too tired to remember why not.

Fuck.

I feel sad.

Tired, But Good

I have had insomnia for the past two nights. Too hot perhaps? So I am in the classic Fat Trap of JoannaLand. Tired, haven't exercised, feel guilty, stuck in house. So, I am working on taking it easy today. I am being good to myself and doing what I can, with a few rests along the way.

I feel angry about becoming a Child Life Practitioner. I worked really hard last time and it amounted to nothing. I feel angry that other people became C.L.P. and I didn't. I know, sounds whiney. I just needed to let that out because I am going to try again to get an internship.

It's Saturday Morning

And I feel okay. I had bizarre dreams though. I dreamed that Patton Oswalt was in a weird, underground movie that was a mishmash of crazy vignettes put together by a drugged-out wacko.
Then I dreamed that I was flying to Japan with my friend Karen and our kids. It was a nightmare. My passport was declined, I lost Richard, I kept being terrified that the plane was going to crash, we had to change planes, the planes rolled down a major street, I lost my purse, I kept losing Karen, it was horrible. What a crazy dream.

Today's fitness includes:

run/walking intervals on treadmill
yoga
brisk walk on treadmill
shoulder workout

Feeling Better

I thought that I should post while I feel good. I just exercised before breakfast. I feel a little scared because I am having lunch with my sister and dad. I feel scared of feeling hurt by my father and sister. That's really my stuff, they can't read my mind and figure out what hurts me and what doesn't. They certainly try.

I am hopeful again. I want to lose fifteen pounds before Christmas. I never care about a bikini, but I want to feel sexy and slim at Christmas.

That's my goal. Wear my blue cordoroy pants at Christmas and feel sexy.

Yep. Blue Cords. Fashionista here.

What Should I Do?

Well, I did binge that afternoon. I ate, big time. I tried OA again, and I love the spirituality, the feeling of not being alone, but I can't stop everything and be humble. Am I in denial? Am I powerless? What should I do? I felt so empty and dead this afternoon that I had chocolate. I just need to exercise and eat healthily to feel alive. I feel sad and scared that I am only fooling myself about all this and that I am really never going to lose weight.

I bought some natural vitamins that have been proven to reduce sweet cravings. Not just "It says so on the bottle and the model in the ads swears by it", but several studies have recommended chromium to reduce sweet cravings.

I feel scared that I am spiraling into a huge gain. I must have gained seven pounds in the past week. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow. I am betting on 170. It will not be pretty, but I must face what I have done.

I know that I love to exercise and eat healthily, it's just some stuff that I need to work on.

Am I a compulsive eater in denial? Will I ever lose this weight?

I Don't WAnt To Binge..

I feel scared of tonight and of this afternoon. I could not sleep and Ben is going out tonight. I feel afraid of self-pity, "what the hell", etc. I want to eat well today, not be depressed, and not be afraid.

I have started a personal challenge of 21 days of no refined sugar and no "protein bars". They are not helpful! We'll see I guess.

I feel sad and lonely today. I want to go out and do something, but what?

I keep feeling guilty about not going back to OA. I feel as though I am a sinner running from redemption. Yet I have read about many people losing weight without OA. Am I powerless over food? Is it possible for me to stop binging without the 12 steps?

I just want to eat healthily, not binge, and workout.

I can do it!

WHEN WILL I LEARN?

You know, the only diet that works for me is "Eat Clean". It has a decent amount of carbs and protein where I don't feel deprived. Anything else does not work for me. I want to smash my head in because I just wasted over 300 dollars on a trainer's food plan that is not possible for me! God, I am an idiot.

So I Saw The Counselor...

And I feel better. I still feel repulsive from yesterday's binge. Yes, that's right. Yesterday I ate a bag of Reese's Pieces (large bag), a huge bag of M&M's and part of another bag. I feel so blobby and gross.

I feel a little sad. I want to lose weight. I have the exercise part down, I love healthy eating and drinking water. It's just the overeating part that I screw up. I don't know what to do about that.

Depression Slide

Down I go. I feel depressed today. Pain in the ass!!!! I feel really sad. I feel scared too. What if this never goes away? What if Richard has a depressed Mom forever?

I talked to my trainer today. Not alot of help. The food plan she sent me has egg whites 3 TIMES a day. With mushrooms and peppers. 3 times. Is she kidding? Or maybe is this the best way? Lots of choice does not necessarily work for me. I just feel blobby, fat and depressed. I am so alone right now.

Two Posts? WTF?

I guess reading other people's blogs inspired me. Today I actually am staying inside and cleaning. Usually my mental health is too precarious for me to do that, I HAVE to go outside. Still, today I just felt like staying inside and doing stuff.

I feel sad. Just depressed. What else is new right? I obsess daily over what happened to my family. I grew up in an alcoholic family and every night for fifteen years I had to lie, walk on eggshells and pretend that my mother was not completely drunk. It was horrifying. I have never gotten over it. Never. I read alot of ACOA literature in my late teens and began 'detaching' from my family. As I grew older I spent less time with them than my sisters. I did not see my parents when my mother was deteriorating. My family has never forgiven me for this. I don't think that they ever will. I feel so angry that my surviving was seen as selfish.

Why am I writing about this again?

Aaand She Does The Stupid Dieter Trick/ Denial Of Reality

So, I received a nutritional plan from my trainer. It looked strict, so naturally - it was TIME FOR A BIG BAG OF REESE'S PIECES. This is after the previous day's bag of Reese's Pieces/pudding/graham crackers, etc. Fuck. Fuck.

Anyway, I feel better today. Just mad at myself for adding on pounds. It's the whole "Magic Food" theory of the Night Before The Diet. "What I eat now does not count lalalalalalalala". Sigh.

Still, I have some subbing work coming up. That will feel great. I will learn to drive soon. Then I can stop hating myself.

I feel sad that I am not with my family in Osoyoos. It's hard.

Waaaay Up, Then Down

Well, I should have posted on Sunday because I felt fairly good. I could see more tone in my body and realized that I have lost weight. Not as much as I want, but I could see progress. Then my husband and I were able to do it for the first time in a long time. AAhhh.

But then I woke up with cravings, I fought them all day, but sucumbed in the evening. Not a huge binge, but enough to show a gain. Fuck. I just have to avoid sugar from now on. I always have a craving in the afternoon. How to beat it?

I Have Had A BAD DAY

Ugh. I went out with my younger sister and felt like such a loser next to her. I just have a boring, simple life and that's the way it is. I felt like a total loser next to her. Then some kids came over and my son became a monster! Nightmarish. Pushing, hitting, whining, not listening. It was mortifying.

I feel so depressed right now. I just feel hopeless about my life. About my future. I feel like such a loser.

Feeling Good

Well, I feel fairly good. Excited about the possibility of a fitness competition!

I keep wondering about my future. What will I wind up doing? I like the idea of being a personal trainer. I still will work in ECE, but I think that I will personal train on the side.

Life is interesting lately.

Here I Am

Well, not much has been going on lately. Positive things are happening. I have been working out and lifting still, and I signed up with a personal trainer for help with competing in a fitness competition!

Mad Again?

I was just watching a documentary about obesity and one woman discussed her sad history of being sexually abused. It made me angry. I wasn't sexually abused, but my mother was. I am angry about times when this topic came up and she would tell US, her children - that she was sexually abused. I feel angry that if I was abused, she would have still made it all about her. I was very sad, withdrawn and unhappy as a teen. Since it was all about her though, she never asked why. If I was traumatized, she just would have discussed her own feelings. If I had brought up how I felt, - SLAP. Dad would have punched me for bringing up my own needs around Mom. It was always about her. Her feelings, her self-esteem, her childhood. I feel angry at how I could not have needs around her or my father.

Yesterday I had some dental work done and I came home in alot of pain. If I had been a teenager, this would have been a crisis. I would have asked for some Tylenol, and since my mom hoarded it, I would have gotten into trouble. If I persisted, my father would have gotten furious at me because I was disturbing Mom and her denial. He and mom would have sighed dramatically and then angrily given me the pills and then would have told me that I did not deserve them and that I was selfish.

It was a horrible house to grow up in. The denial of our basic needs and the abuse was constant and disgusting.

But Then..

But then I had a surprsingly good day. I guess it helped to blog about my feelings. I am back to the "Eat Clean Diet". It feels good.

I love the idea of becoming a peppy, fit, healthy mom. I guess that it because it is the opposite of how my own mother was at this age.

I am so angry!!!

I binged yesterday. I hate myself. Why? Actually I know why. I tried the "Spark People" diet. Too little protein. I felt hungry, annoyed, scared and sad. I hate food. I hate food. I hate food. I love exercising. I hate food.

I am so sad. I won't go back to OA. I wont. It's a good program, but I can't. I cannot handle the whole "Let Go And Let God" stuff. I just want to make plans, live and not fuss, freak out, and worry about my humility levels.

I feel scared today. As though I have done something bad. I feel guilty for talking about my family in therapy and for hating my sister. I am angry about my life. I hate myself for not learning how to drive. Will this ever work? Will I ever lose weight? I feel like such a loser.

I need to stop.

Feeling Better

Well, my husband and I had a talk and cleared the air.

I had a tough time with my older sister this weekend. She asked for some money for a ticket that I had to buy to see a show my niece was in. I felt furious! I spend tons of money on her kids. When they come to see me, I buy them food and gifts, etc. I never ask for the money from her. My sister spends 400 dollars on shoes, has 75 purses, buys her kids tons of toys, tons of clothes and she wants forty dollars from me? FUCK.

She is utterly selfish and self-absorbed. I am sick of her. Sick of trying to make her happy, make her approve of me. She planned a fucking trip for "the family" (actually for her) to a beach resort. She wanted me, my husband and my son to come. It would cost us alot of money we don't have to go someplace we don't want to go. I said no. She bitchily said "So you are not even going to ATTEMPT coming?" Um, no. I don't think so bitch.

I will never have the relationship with her that I want.

Pissed Off

God, I am pissed off. I wanted to go on a vacation weekend with my husband and he said that we don't have the money. Every year he says this!!!

I never go anywhere. We barely do anything. We spend the summer as we spend the winter, sitting at home, watching TV. I hate it. He is such a stick in the mud. He just gets tired, doesn't do anything and that's that. I really want to go somewhere and do something, but not with him. He will never get improve. It feels hopeless. I'll never have anything. I will always be bored, at home and still waiting for my life to begin.

Here I Sit

Here I sit. Happy that I have finally washed the kitchen floor and that the house looks decent. I have had a decent burst of energy in the past few days so I have gotten some important stuff done.

I was reading a book about depression yesterday and I was surprised to read that I have chronic depression. I really did not think that it was that bad. I thought that I had depression, but not that I was "chronically depressed". I also found out that food affects mood. I knew that tons of sugar affect mood of course, I also knew that alcohol is a depressant. However, I did not know about vitamin deficiencies and how they can contribute to depression. Hmmm.

I feel worried about my son. It's silly, but today as I was walking him out of playschool, one of the teachers smiled broadly at a child walking past who also attended the playschool. I thought "Hey, what about MY kid?" She did not smile at him. Why? Is he difficult? That breaks my heart. Is there something wrong? Is he going to be a brat who cannot cope with school?

I know that that is quite an overreaction to a teacher who perhaps did not see my son. Still, I worry.

Every day seems to further confirm that I should not have another child. My disorganization, my depression, my fears, it all adds up NO WAY.

Am I kidding myself about becoming a personal trainer? I love exercise and I love the idea of living the fitness lifestyle, being healthy and helping others be healthy, but am I fooling myself?

Argh

Alot of good things are happening in my life. I want to start off positive with this entry.

- It's sunny and summer is really starting up.

- I feel attractive and strong since I began weight lifting again.

- I am excited about the possible career choice of being a personal trainer.

- I feel positive about the future.

My sister emailed me yesterday. She is going to visit my older sister. I was not invited. Is this an overreaction? I don't really know. I could have gone. I just feel afraid of going and being surrounded again by food.

I always feel annoyed when I get there because my older sister peppers me with questions about my life, then seems disappointed when my life is not what she wants it to be. I don't go to fancy restaurants, I don't spend alot of money decorating, I enjoy a quiet life because that is what I want.

It's tiresome.

I felt peeved because I emailed my younger sister about wading through a depressive phase and she emailed back that I should get help because I seem to go through this alot and it must be hard on my family. Thanks, I never thought about getting help. God.

It just triggered alot of rage in me at my younger sister's bullying me. I have always felt such tremendous guilt about not being as good a daughter as she is. I let her boss me around. I hate her sometimes. I feel angry at not being accepted for who I am in my family.

I withdrew from my family because the dysfunctional dynamics around my mother's drinking was killing me. I was binging away the pain and the sadness. I decided that I did not deserve to suffer like that and if my parents were not going to protect me, nurture me or value me, I was not going to be close to them.

I feel really guilty about that. I don't know what to do. I feel angry at being rejected and ignored.

I fucking hate my family.

What A Depressing Blog!

LORD! This blog better cheer up soon! Well, where I live it has been raining and grey. Ugh. I know that people are dying in a heat wave and here I am in the rain.

Well, I weighed myself. No loss. I feel dissapointed because I have been working hard, but no loss. I feel sad and scared that I will never lose weight.

I know, I know, the scale is not all there is. I just feel scared that I will restrict too much and binge, or just never get this right. I hate this.

Aaaand Depression Rolls In

Fuck. I feel so depressed. I binged last night on sandwiches and cereal. It could have been worse I know, but - fuck. The perfect storm occurred:

- not enough sleep

- not a good workout

- ate sugar

-nibbled on sugary stuff

- depression

Then the clouds of "Why not?" "Poor me" rolled in and then I ate.

I'll never be fit enough to be personal trainer at this point.

I hate depression and insomnia.

I want to change.

Feeling Good

I feel good lately. I feel as though I have rediscovered myself. I love weight lifting. That's what I need to focus on. A weight lifting diet and a weight lifting routine. It's so simple, but I get distracted too often.

I am wondering what I should do for a career. Expressive Arts Therapist of personal trainer? Both have value. Hmmm.

Improving

I am improving. I feel less depressed lately and more focused.

Yesterday I had a neighbor boy over to play. His mom and the boy's little brother came over as well. Richard was aggressive with the baby. He was pushing and knocking his friend's cars. The boy's mom is quite strict and constantly corrects her son. I am more laid-back.

I was so harshly disciplined as a child that I was barely in my body. I dissociated up until my mid-teens. I did not even know that I was doing it until years later. I am always tense and I loathe being touched by people I do not know. Once a gym teacher tried to show me a square dancing step. (They had to teach a dance unit and square dancing was it.) He innocently held my arm and I became tense as a board. That's what harsh discipline did to me.

So, I promised my son and myself that he would always be physically and emotionally safe. He would be comfortable in his body and be able to listen to himself, and not always be warily watching and thinking of what others want. Yesterday I began to worry though. Am I too lax? Will Richard suffer in school because he was not discplined enough? He laughs at me when and runs away sometimes. He refuses to listen at times. I know that this is fairly standard for 2 1/2, but I could not help but worry. Am I raising a brat?

Feeling Better

I have decided to try the "Eat Clean Diet". I like it because it is more about what you should eat instead of what you shouldn't. It also is laid out quite simply. Eat every three hours. A protein, a carbohydrate, and a fat. It's also very bodybuilding-friendly, which I like.

I feel better these days. I am feeling more inspired by what I have to do since I started viewing it as a job, a job that I don't necessarily like. Somehow that makes it easier for me.

I Am Afraid Of My Son

That's the type of attention-grabbing headline that Salon would put on this. My son is 2 1/2. He is not violent, in fact, he is a sweet little boy. Therein lies the problem.

A bit of history. My mother was an alcoholic. My father was violent and scary. By the time I was thirteen I had stopped trusting them. By the time I was twenty I hated them. I judged them harshly, I vowed to never be like them.

Now I am the parent. Now I am the one disciplining, saying 'no', refusing to listen to whining and pleas. I worry - will my son hate me the way I hated my parents? I know that rejecting parental values and testing limits is a natural part of growing up, will my son one day turn a critical eye on my the way I did my parents? Will he diagnose me with some trendy psychological malady he read about? Will he only hear me through the filter of psychobabble?

I worry that my son will think that I am an idiot because I cannot do math in my head. I apologize alot and avoid conflict. I strain hard in social situations to make people comfortable. Will he hate this about me?

I spend alot of time snuggling happily with my son. He gazes up at me with guileless adoration. He says "You are my best friend Mommy". He pounds on the door when I am in the bathroom, wanting to be with me. Naturally, I love being adored - but I know that it only lasts for so long.

I have never seen anyone study my face with as much intensity as my son does. I look at his beautiful eyes and worry about what will happen when he inevitably turns away from me? My greatest fear is that I will take is personally and respond like a jilted lover, screaming, clutching, guilt-tripping him for only doing what is natural.

Will be able to handle the razor-sharp criticism of an naive, psuedo-sophisticated young adult? Will I be able to handle it when he prefers his friends to me?

I hope so, but every day I fear the inevitable rift that will occur when he begins to criticize me.

Crap

I feel like crap. I got sucked into starving again. This always happens. I fool around with starvation and then binge. I feel like crying, but I think I have forgotten how. I feel so ashamed of myself for not knowing how to drive and for letting everyone down over the years. I feel disgusting and fat. Staying at home is murder. It sounds stupid, but I hate not having a job. I need places to go, people to see, important tasks, etc. I just laze around all day, I feel pointless and bored and uncertain of what I should do. If I stay in and clean, my depression kicks in and Richard does not socialize. If I go out my house is a disgusting mess. I feel so sad today. Just fat and sad and hopeless. I want to be more organized, more together, more everything, but it never works.
I feel terrible.

Sometimes

I feel better today. I am actually able to clean without descending into crazy depression thoughts. That is huge. I just feel angry at how I was treated when I was a teenager. I wasn't allowed to be who I was without some nasty comment from my mother or horrible, cruel joke from my father. Sometimes I feel sad and angry about missing out on friends, school, life, activities, etc. because I was too busy trying to be invisible so I wouldn't get target by my family. I'm angry about that.

I need to get over it. I know. It's just taking a while. I know that I am incredibly lucky. I'll write that again in caps I AM INCREDIBLY LUCKY. I know that being born in Canada makes me lucky, I have a great husband and a healthy child. I am turning forty soon and I don't feel depressed about it, I feel as though my life is just beginning.

Noticing A Pattern

Whenever I lose focus on weight lifting, I gain. I slip, have trouble and screw up. I think that that is the truth for my life. I always need to stay focused on lifting weights and the weight lifting lifestyle.

I feel better. I hit a horrible depressive skid when I couldn't workout for two days, but I worked out yesterday.

Life is hard. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but I find staying home with my kid to be hard. It's a constant struggle against inertia, depression and hopelessness. I have to learn to deal.

Hmmph

Exercise is going really well. I feel worried today about pissing off someone at a graduate school I want to get into. I feel exhausted and I can't meet with her today. I hope she isn't mad.

I am up and down lately. I constantly struggle against the chattering monkeys in my head that scream that I am a LOSER. It's constant. My mother used to walk behind me glaring and criticizing me. Everything I did was evidence that I was selfish. It's so painful to remember that. She still screams in my head. Selfish, lazy, rude.

I hope I have lost weight this week.

Hmmm

Well, when I weighed in at the boot camp, I had only gained one pound. Such relief. I found the exercise to be enjoyable. Horribly strenous, but enjoyable. I wasn't the worst one there.

Fighting depression and boredom again. It' s hard. I feel depressed and the only thing I want to do is dress up, look cute and go shopping. Le sigh.

Terribly Disappointed

I am so sad right now. I had a horrible spiral back into food this week. A chocolate binge, pizza, fries, and then the next day I devoured my son's Easter chocolate bunny. I feel like such a loser. All that money spent and I have only lost six pounds and now I have probably gained it all back. I feel terrible.

I also feel really nervous. In desperation I signed up for a weight loss challenge. Now I have to go to a public place to do a boot camp and be weighed. I feel guilty for bothering my husband so early in the morning with this. I feel sad and lost right now.

Weigh In?

Well, I lost 3.7 pounds. I am back at 159. This week I am determined to go down instead of yo-yoing. It's funny how I feel about WW. I had tried it before, but it drove me crazy. Every day I went into my flex points, would just gain and then give up. This time I don't feel that hungry. I also feel that I must monitor my weight. Always. I can never just carry on, it's too easy for me to lie to myself about how many calories I am eating and gain. I also have had alot fewer 'eateateateateateat eaaaaaaaaaay EVERYTHING" moments. Weird. I never, ever thought that this program would work for me. I have been stewing about MM. Once, after an argument, my mother said "Kiss my ass" to me. I was fourteen maybe. It was really painful to hear my mother talk to me like that. As though she didn't love me. As though she never loved me. I remember being as young as three and hearing her say "Do you want Mommy to go away and never come back?" God, that terrified me. So many times she was rude, crude, dismissive and disgusting to me. My father was quite a coward in all of this. If he wasn't insulting me, he was giggling away while my mom insulted me. To this day, I loathe people getting close to me. I loathe being close to others. I always think "What's the point? It only makes me nervous". That's what alcoholism, insults and a presumption by my parents that I would 'always' be there for them did to me.

Mean Mothers

I am reading a book called "Mean Mothers". It is almost too painful to discuss. Many painful memories have come back, without the filter I have used "She was an alcoholic" "She didn't mean that" "She was raised that way". Mom made spaghetti squash for dinner one night. We hated it. SS is not a bad thing to make, and it certainly is annoying when you go to the effort and people don't appreciate it. Still, it somewhat spiraled into a horrible, revolting experience. It was decided by my dad that my mother should be allowed to sit in the living room and insult us because we did not like what she made. We were not allowed to talk back. My mother looked at me and said "Of course, you are a QUEEN". I guess because I was designated the 'sensitive one' and my mother resented the 'sensitive' handling I received. I opened my mouth to defend myself and my father said "Shh!" Why? Why was she allowed to lose control of herself and be cruel? Why was I treated like a piece of garbage? She was a mean mother.

Crazy Body Image Crap

Yesterday I tried on some "goal" pants. Unexciting pants, just pre-preggo pants. I saw how my stomach bulged out and felt hideous. I felt disgusting, embarrassed at ever seeing myself a sexy, and frustrated. I haven't lost much weight in WW. It's alot of money to spend to lose two or three pounds. This morning I looked at myself and I saw alot of muscle. I saw that I had muscle definition that I never had before. I also know that WW is helping because it keeps me from having "Let's go eat everything in sight" type binges. That alone is worth the money. I have been struggling with depression alot lately. Feeling useless, pathetic, ugly and hopeless are constant problems. I have to deal with what happened to me with my alcoholic mother. It keeps intruding on my present life. I still hear her voice, I still flinch when people try to touch me or get close to me. I still feel like an ugly, clumsy kid stumbling around the house trying to stay out of trouble. I spent so much time hiding in my life. Hiding in TV, numbed by food, unable to really live. That's what alcoholism did to me.

What will happen?

I am having an up and down kind of week. I have exercised and lifted alot - good - up. Then I have eaten peanut butter and jam in the middle of the night, nibbled on chocolate and treats - down. I am worried that this will affect my weigh in. Still, I know that being really strict makes me rebound, so I am trying to find a balance. I feel sad and depressed lately. I just find that staying at home is hard. An embarassing kind of hard. Oh? Staying at home with your child is JUST TOO MUCH? I know, this is the kind of problem other women would love to have. It's just that I feel lost, bored and easily depressed without a job. I feel sad about my sister and my father. I just feel that they don't respect me. That my life, my kid, my husband, my house, my clothes and my eating habits are just wrong. It's hard. I feel angry about that.

I feel weird

I feel weird. I always feel weird in the Spring. It's hard to describe. Lost? Empty? I gained FOUR pounds. Fuck. I know that alot of it was water bloat. Still, WTF. I am doing better today. I miss the high of lifting weights. I think that I push myself too hard. I have a good week, then work myself too hard and then collapse. I need to find a balance.

Le Sigh

I binged. Not on chocolate, chips and cookies. Whick is good, but on cereal and sandwiches. Crap. Now, should I weigh-in on Saturday, or on Monday? I don't know. I feel sad and bloated today. When will I stop weight cycling?

Recovering

I had a bad morning. I woke up with my shoulder throbbing, feeling nauseated, cranky and craving carbs. So, I didn't binge, but I certainly ate alot. I went grocery shopping and was tempted by WW dessert treats, I had them in my hand. Then I thought, What if this passes? Hmm. So, I put them down and took my son to the park. The exposure to the sun helped alot. I came back feeling better. I still am struggling with self-hatred. So much self-hatred. So often feeling as though I always get it wrong. As though my family will always see me as unforgivable. That I will always be a loser. I just don't know sometimes. I struggle daily with depression and self-hatred so often. No matter what I do, I feel wrong and unlovable. On a positive note, I am eating a plate of fruit and vegetables and I plan to do a run later. If I had eaten those treats, that would not have been possible. The craving did pass. I can recover from being less-than-perfect.

Mad, Sad.

I am angry. I am angry that my father and my older sister do not accept me. I have good life. I live the way I want to, but it is not good enough. I feel angry about this. I've done the best I could considering the violence, alcholism and turmoil I grew up in. I have had panic attacks, binge eating disorder, and depression. I have had to live a very careful life in order to keep myself from falling into the abyss of fear, binging and depression. So, I have not traveled much. I have a quiet life because I like it that way. I feel criticized though. I feel that I am good enough. I feel that my life is the way I want it, yet they behave as though it is not. I feel angry. Their treatment is a large reason why I have had to struggle to do the most basic things. Try traveling with panic attacks. Try adventures when you are fifty pounds overweight, work in a low-paying job and are struggling with depression. It was all I could do to just stay alive, much less live the life they say I should. Sometimes I feel so angry.

Weigh in..

Lost three pounds! That shows the importance of carrying on. I had a bad day last Saturday with those damn two point bars. Then on Monday I ate a bunch of cereal and thought that this week was wash out. Still, I carried on. I feel sad. Not totally sad, but a little sad. I feel weird. Last night I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I got alot of questions about my life and going on vacation. Then I felt criticized, like they were saying "Aren't you going to get a life? You are so boring". Where did that come from?

Loving Life

I feel great! I have lifted, run, stretched and been good to my body in the past few days and I love it! I love lifting, I love exercising. I have to stay in and clean today. Yuck. Yesterday I went out though. That makes it easier to stay home and work. I feel as though I have become lazy since I began to stay at home. I waste too much time on my computer, I put off alot of things that I should do, I just don't have alot of oomph anymore. Is this because of the kid? Is this normal? Or am I descending into laziness and will never come out? I think that what happened to me in my teen with my drunk mom and absent father really, really affected me. It still affects me. I think that I need to deal with it through therapy. How? What do I need to do? The guilt over my family wracks me every day. I feel guilty constantly. I hear my mother's critical, horrible voice every day. Will this ever change?

How Am I Doing?

Better. I felt HORRIBLE yesterday. I am getting over the flu and I could not exercise. I would up scarfing down three bowls of cereal. Ughghghghghg. Probably another bad weigh-in. I felt upset at first, but then I realized that it is not the end of the world. I have to stay focused. I love weight lifting. Tonight I am going to take my measurements and update my bodyblog.

Feeling Guilty

I couldn't see my dad yesterday because I got sick again. I feel guilty and worried that I have hurt his feelings. Sad. Too many carbs lately, feeling a little bloated. I want to feel lean and light again. I want the high of lifting. I don't care about anything. I want to lift, to run and lose weight. Lifting is life.

How Do I Feel?

Well, I feel a bit better. I weighed in, a gain of 2.6 pounds. I think that I lost weight too fast. I was not ready to be that low. I think that it scared me. I have conflicted feelings about losing weight. My older sister is totally unbelievable. She is incredibly accomplished and I feel inferior around her. I want to lose weight and be thin to "beat " her at something. I want to be a personal trainer so I can have an accomplishment to brag about.

My younger sister is plump. I feel sad around her when I am thin because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for losing weight. I felt guilty about losing weight around my mom too. I did not want to leave her behind.

I want to impress my father by being muscular. I want to be beautiful and thin.

Is This Possible?

Is it realistic to think about becoming a personal trainer? Maybe it isn't. I just love the idea of immersing myself in fitness for the rest of my life. I love the idea of being an inspiration to women over forty. Maybe this is a stupid idea.

I feel a little scared today. I am scared of binging again. I am scared of my husband being angry at me. I am scared of my family being angry at me. I feel tired and guilty. I don't want to have a boring weekend, but I might. What to do.

Better Today

I ate well today, tracked my food, exercised and stayed on track. I am actually scared of my weigh-in tomorrow. Isn't that silly? I am afraid of dissapointing my weigh-in lady. She was so impressed with me last week. I really had to sabotage myself. I wasn't ready to lose alot of weight yet. I am scared of the envy, of feeling naked and dead, of attracting more attention. I want it and I don't want it. It's a huge issue for me. I felt scared of losing weight too quickly. I feel afraid of being too skinny again. I feel numb when that happens.

Why is this?

Scared

I binged yesterday. Big time. I think I am scared of losing weight too quickly. Sounds crazy, but I am afraid of changing too quickly. I am scared that *this* is the end. I know that it is a crisis of confidence. I CAN lose weight. I know that I can, this is a normal bump in the road. Still, I don't want to keep binging.

I feel sad today. I feel sad everyday. I want my family. I feel afraid of my family. I feel afraid of my family's judgement and criticism. I am not sure what the future holds for me, or what I should do with my life. I feel sad.

I will post again tomorrow about how I am doing.

Wow!

I lost 5.5 pounds! Wow! I know some of it was water weight from last week. I got my period this week. I felt great when I heard that. I feel thinner.

Where has my compulsion gone? I certainly don't miss it. I was able to eat WW brownies yesterday without wanting anymore. Why don't I want to binge anymore? I think that it has something to do with guilt. I felt so guilty when I was pregnant because I was binging. Which made me punish myself even more. I have gone through my "guilt cycle" and have been "punished" enough. How can I avoid this cycle again?

I feel sad. I miss my Mom alot. I miss her every day. There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to apologize for being so judgemental towards her. I was very harsh on her when I was younger. Now that I am older, I can see how tough it was on her to raise three daughters and live with my father. You have to have nerves of steel, an iron will, and voice like Zeus to raise three daughters. My mom worked full-time, had an hour long commute each way to work, and had three daughters. That would have totally overwhelmed me. I never would have been able to handle that. I can only handle one child.

I feel sad that I never really knew her. Never really was able to comfort her and make her feel better. I feel sad that her pain was constant, untouchable and a reminder of all of the horror she had been through. As young as nine I knew that she was in horrible anguish. That's when my overeating began.

I am sad.

Day Before..

It's the day before I weigh in, I hope I have lost. I wasn't able to exercise alot this week due to insomnia, but I did not have any treats. No brownies, no chocolate, nothing. I feel happy that it's been weeks since I had a "let's eat everything on earth" kind of moment. I am gaining momentum and that is great!

As an aside, my husband was not upset that he had to help with the baby, it was fine.

Feeling Anxious

I had nightmares last night. Did not sleep well. The baby woke up and made a fuss, my husband sang him back to sleep. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen, but now I am scared of my husband being angry at me because I did not get him back to sleep.

I feel so tired.

Slowly But Surely...

Yep. I am getting there. I tried on some pre-preggo pants. These are my "I'm normal" pants. These are the "I am nearly back to my pre-preggo body". They are more wearable than they have been in THREE years. I grew out of my pants before the first trimester was over. I am glad that I did not lose it when I had a "bad fat day". I just kept on and now I feel great.

Feeling Scared

I am scared that I am never going to lose weight again. Silly isn't it? I feel thrown, as though I was kidding myself all along that I could lose weight. But I can. I did. I know how. Here are my weight loss assets:

I am a vegan - it rules out alot of food.

I have a treadmill that I love to use.

I exercise twice a day.

I love vegetables and fruit.

I don't kid myself about what I can get away with, I know that dieting is hard work.

I willing to be diligent about this.

I am willing to be honest about what I have eaten.

I am willing to plan out my food ahead of time.

I am planning a career in fitness.

I have a very supportive family.

I will lose weight this week.

On the frustration side, my hubbie is home this week and it is driving me nuts. I love having him around, but I have reached my crabby/saturation point and want him to shut up.

Sigh.

Eff To The You Cee Kay

Up 1.8 pounds. Ugh. Oh well, I set myself a goal that I will lose two pounds this week. Next week I will CRUSH it.

Lately I've developed a crazy infatuation over Jeff Bridges. I saw "True Grit". Loved it. Then had a rather enjoyable dream about him and now. Hmmmmmmm. I always get crushes on father figure types. Read into that what you want.

Hope everyone else out there is on target today.

Ugh

Two cereal-and-sandwich-binges - check.

Two-massive-peanut-butter-cups - check.

One-massive-Snickers-bar - check.

Let's go weigh-in today, shall we?

Sigh.

I'll start over, that's the key to all this.

Feeling Better

I feel better. I felt sick yesterday and I could barely workout. Today I feel better, so I can workout. I love exercising. I will workout twice today. I am going to try for becoming a "Shape" success story. Then I am going to become a personal trainer. I want to work with older people, moms with post-partum depression and obese people. I was reading a book about a woman who was over three hundred pounds. She had a session with a personal trainer. He began by weighing her and then by taking her measurements. Wrong. Wrong.Wrong. He then wanted to start her on weight training but did not seem to tell her why weight training is important. Muscle burns more calories than fat. I want to be the person that can help an overweight mom feel comfortable with exercise. I have been overweight. I can be the person that can understand an overweight person's feelings. Better than a size two person who has no idea.

Lifting is life.

I am watching "The Social Network" right now. Women have odd roles in this movie. They are eager gold diggers who want to dance naked in front of men who go to Harvard. They are submissive Asian hotties who LOVE to give blowjobs in bathroom. Or they are bitter, nasty ex-girlfriends who MEAN. Finally, they are nice, mommy types who say "You are not an asshole Mark". They aren't real people in this movie. If my son turns about to be as smug and entitled as the jerks in this movie I will have to smash him.

And To Make Things Worse..

I tried on a pair of jeans. I WAS feeling little and cute, but these jeans showed me that I have a long way to go. Now I am feeling sort of pointless, like "What's the point? I'm fat and ugly" "How could I ever have thought that I was thin?" It's cloudy, I have a day of housework ahead, (ugh) and I am embarrassed that my husband saw me eating last night. I feel fat and hopeless. I feel sad that I wrecked my hard work with overeating. I know that I have not actually wrecked my hard work, I built muscle, I burned calories, I toned my body and I have not had a go-to-the-store-and-inhale-M&Ms type binge in weeks. It will happen. Right now I actually enjoy getting dressed up and going out because I feel pretty. That is progress. It's just hard to feel fat and embarassed and frustrated for eating so much after a perfect day.

Sad Sad Sad

How is it that I get depressed on cloudy days before I even open the curtains? How does my body know "Come on, let's get unhappy!" because it is cloudy.

Anyway, I am really sad because I binged last night on sandwiches and cereal. Not a huge binge, more of a sleeping-pill-can't-remember-why-not kind of binge. I am sad because I will not have a good weigh in. I WILL keep tracking and working out, but I am sad that I ruined my hard work.

Wicked and Wonderful

That was a line one character said to another in Shirley Conrad's "Lace". "You look wicked and wonderful". Then they embarked on a passionate affair. This is not the book you should read if you are thirteen and trying to figure out sex. One character's husband wanders into the bathroom four years into their marriage, puts on makeup, a dress and forces his wife into sex. Another character puts a goldfish inside a woman for a sexual thrill. Then, of course, there was the two characters who unknowingly commit incest. Of course I read this book fourteen times.

Anyway, I feel a little wicked and mostly wonderful. Today I put on a cute outfit and went out. It was weird to be around my old binge places and not feel utterly pulled towards them. I felt like a beautiful mama, not a dumpy stereotype. It was AWESOME.

Lifting is life to me.

My next posting will be my review of "Flowers In The Attic". I just could not get ENOUGH incest novels in my teens apparently. An excellent way to learn about sex. Yes, a rape scene between a brother and sister who have been living in an attic for four years.

Cocky

I DID get cocky. I knew it. Ugh! In the past few days I have had one packet of GIANT peanut butter cups and one MONDO snickers bar. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I have used up all of my weekly points. Now I have five more days to make it. Will I lose? Will I gain? Shit.

Right. What I know is that WW is not just about losing weight for me. It's about being accountable. It's about not blizting out into "What The Fuck" world. So, I may gain, I may maintain, but I will track my food, exercise and just see what happens.

Fuck Yeah!

I know, the cursing is immature and off-putting. Still, I lost 1.3 pounds! Whoo Hoo! I can't believe it. I am not going to become cocky and assume that I can just relax and goof off, but it feels good that the exercise and vigilance is working. Yeah!

Let's Go Get The Bad- News!!!

Yay! No sleep no sleep no sleep no sleep - sleeping pills - cereal binge- weigh - in and "Oh, you're up slightly". That is my week in one sentence. FANTASTIC. (I'm trying to curse less here.) I am trying to focus on the fact that WW is not just about losing weight. It is about losing weight, but I also joined to be accountable, to constantly be aware of what I was eating and how much exercising. If I have gained, I'll be accountable. I will just start over and that will be that.

Now That I Think About It..

I ate WW brownies last week. I ate chocolate bars last week. I did not work out as much as I could have last week because I was feeling ill. 1.5 pounds is a defnite victory.

I am so tired. I am trying to keep my kid in his own bed and it is exhausting. I know that it is my own fault. I could never let him cry it out, so now he needs help going to sleep. I don't really regret that decision though. Still, he wakes up a couple of times a night and needs help going back to sleep. Ugh.

I feel somewhat happy. I love to exercise and I am going to do that today, I feel more attractive than I have since my first trimester and the desire to binge has receded. My depression has receded as well. I wonder why.

1.5 Pounds

I must admit, I felt a little disapointed. I wanted MORE. It's not a useful way to think, I mean, WW kept me tracking my food and my exercise all week - as well as helped me lose weight. That is what I was looking for.

I feel ill today. I am still going to workout.

Well, Here Goes..

Well, I go in for my weigh-in. I feel much lighter and my scale said 161.8 this morning. That is not what the Holy WW Scale will say, but I am hoping for a good result. This time I will buy ONE box of treats and that will last all week. End of story.

I Like Weight Watchers

I think that I like WW. I may even lose weight this week, but WW has forced me to track my food, drink my water, exercise and just basically stay on track. It has really helped me avoid "What the fuck. Why not binge, moments". I also has given me a good goal to reach for, knowing that I have to weigh in this week has given me alot of incentive to try hard and work hard.

I feel better lately, I guess my post-partum depression has lifted. That always seems to be a major cause for weight gain. Depression, "I'm a bad person", "I don't deserve to be thin". My guilt about gaining weight and leaving my job has lifted. I believe that weight lifting has really helped with this. It obviously has released alot of endorphins and made me look better.

Lifting is life.

Weigh In Worries

I just feel heavy right now. I had two bags of WW popcorn yesterday and I know that I am retaining water like crazy. I feel heavy, as though if I weighed in, I would be up. I am going to exercise like crazy this week, but I worry that I am eating too much fruit. So far though, I love this program. I love the accountability. I love tracking my food. It feels like a good way to stay focused.

I keep weighing my career options. I have considered becoming a fitness leader. I do love to exercise and I could enjoy helping older people exercise. Frankly, becoming a personal trainer sounds impressive. I know that I should not aim for that, but sometimes it would be nice to have a career people had actually heard of.

I feel tired and worried today. What is going to happen with my life? I feel as though I spend too much time inside. I want to go out and live more, but how?

Scared Myself

Yesterday I failed to plan properly. I had to go and pick up my nieces and I had to wait a while for them. I had brought some fruit, but it wasn't enough and it was dinner time. So, I had a sesame, peanut, raisin bar, and a chocolate bar. Bad. No. I cannot have a life where I occasionaly have chocolate. It always spirals and I lose control. That scares me. I want to eat clean, healthy foods and avoid animal products. So far, no cravings today, but still WTF?

I did a good hard run on the treadmill. I love exercise. I love lifting. I can run faster and lift more now. That feels tremendous!

I feel pretty now a days. I haven't in a long time. I wish that my mother could have saved herself the way I have.

Weighed In Again Today

So I went in and weighed in again today. Half pound gain. It's a miracle that it wasn't more. Last night was a nightmare. I was about to settle into an actual pleasant sleep when my kid decided to talk to me, over and over and over again. "Uppies?" (Where can you go? You are snuggled in my arms. Isn't that good enough?) "Daddy?" (Daddy is in another room, does not want to walk in here and talk to you.) "Uppies?" AAAAGH!

I would up binging on cereal and sandwiches out of stress. I am really stressed right now. It's embarrassing, but I am scared of getting something wrong at my sister's birthday party. Ever since I was criticized to death after my younger sister's wedding for behaviour that did not seem to be that awful, I feel hyper-conscious, and scared before a family gathering. Will I get it right this time? Will trip an invisible trip wire and pull over an avalanche of criticism? Will I seem selfish? Will I seem rude? How can I avoid being targeted and criticized? My stomach is in knots over my family's opinion of me.

Sometimes I hate them. Just shut up, get over it, and carry on with your life instead of focusing on mine. How 'bout it?

I Feel Terrible

I canceled on a lunch with my sis and Dad. I feel worried that I hurt my family's feelings. Now the house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it. Then I ate a huge bowl of cereal for a snack.

I want to binge to get away from my feelings. I feel lonely and bored and very ashamed. I feel ashamed because I could simply go out, etc. I just don't feel like it because I am exhausted right now. My sleep has been off and I have been working out hard to try to undo the damage of what I ate. I think cereal is definitely a trouble food for me. No more I think.

I feel terribly ashamed because the baby is just watching TV all day. I feel so sleepy that I cannot muster the energy to do anything else. I feel like a bad mother and a bad daughter today. I feel sad and bored. I want to use food to get away from this.

I don't care if my weigh-in next week shows a gain. I will stick with this program. I will track my food, exercise and try. I will stick with this program no matter what.

Scared

I am scared of tomorrow's weigh in. I ate one-third of a cup of Reese's Pieces. Will that screw me up? I know that I worked hard this week, but I will still feel like a failure if I don't see a loss. I feel so fat still. I tried on a smaller shirt and just felt horrible in it. I still feel fat and blobby and I don't see an end to it. It's hard to wait. It's hard to work hard and wait. I want the old Joanna back. I want to wear my pre preggo pants and feel like a regular person again instead of an overweight mom. I kind of want this to be over.

I feel a little scared of my husband being furious over the amount of money I have spent lately. I feel afraid of having to extend our line of credit for my irresponsiblity. I can't help it sometimes, I just need to feel pretty, to feel alive and to feel like a beautiful mama instead of a dumpy old lady.

Weighed Myself Today

I am down about 1.5 pounds. A miracle. If this keeps on working, I will be on WW for LIFE. I will be WW's bitch.

I woke up in a good mood, then my husband opened the VISA bill, he hasn't said anything, but I feel so guilty about spending money. I feel very sad and depressed today. I wish that I was a better person, a more mature, independent, good person.

I miss my mother so much, but she could never accept who I was. So many times she would stare at me with a look of disgust on her face, I'd say "What's wrong?" She'd said "Nothing". (keep trying for my approval) It was a manipulative game for her to give me the "You are not good enough" vibe. I eventually stopped trying.

She broke my heart. To this day the beatings she administered register as tension in my shoulders and back, I always expect to be attacked. I constantly give off the 'don't touch me' air. I cannot stand people being close to me. I carry the guilty, rage and frustration of our relationship with me everyday.

Feeling Full

Well, I am almost afraid that this won't work because I am not starving. However, I am willing to follow their formula exactly and see what happens. I like knowing that I have a formula, that I don't have to make it up as I go along, and just hope that it works.

I still stay away from binge foods. I am not going to kid myself that "I can handle a little bit". Forget it. No sugar, no white flour, as unprocessed as possible.

I am coming to terms that I will never be something that impresses people. I am good at alot of important things, Early Childhood Education for one, but people will never say "Wow"! I am jealous of my older sister, she is getting her Phd. Impressive. I am going to be a tutor for dyslexic children. I will make decent money and that will be good enough.

Right now I have to focus on supporting my husband as he takes on a difficult job at work. That will be hard. That will have to be good enough.

Jennifer Hudson's Siren Song Lured Me

Well, I joined WW. I just wanted the accountability. So far, (Day Two) it has been going well. I like having a formula to follow instead of guessing. I also like having a definite weigh-in coming. We'll see.

My sleep has improved. I feel much better. Sometimes, as a SAHM, I find it really hard to know what to do. I often feel as though I have accomplished nothing each day. Some laundry, some housework,etc. I often feel guilty because I don't take the baby out as much as he needs. Then I take him out and feel guilty because the house is a disaster. It all feels like so much pointless floating through the day, mired in guilt because whatever I do is not the right thing.

I love my baby, but the constant mess, constant decision-making and worry about beinga good mother is exhausting. Am I raising a brat? Am I raising a kid that can't cope? Or am I raising a confident, healthy boy? What is the right thing?

Imovaine Haze

Holy Shit. I took some imovaine and got totally stoned. I felt so exhausted on Saturday night I could not even remember why I should not binge and had sandwiches, peanut butter pudding, and cereal. Then I woke up and made more pudding, and ate it. The next day I woke up and was still too stoned to remember why not, and binged again. Giant chocolate bar, small chocolates, crackers, sandwiches, pasta, etc. Ughghghghghghg.

I was so stoned I was stumbling around. I should be ashamed of that, but I'm not. I am ashamed as hell about binging. If my sleep was working it would not have happened. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing a dietician this Friday. Maybe I am missing something.

My Heart

Sometimes my heart strains with fear for my son. My gorgeous little boy. What if something happened to him? I thinks of horrors too unspeakable to mention that have happened to other people's children. Do other parents think about this? How do I keep these thoughts out of my head? Will this fear keep me from being a good parent to Richard? Will I be able to be strong, organized, fair, capable when he grows up?

God, I miss exercising so much. Tomorrow I will post my measurements and goals.

I know that it is progress that I was able to talk myself out of a binge an hour ago. It was hard, but I asked myself what I wanted food to give me. I wanted food to give me a release from the tension in my body, from the ruthless, merciless chatter in my head that tells me that I am dirty, bad, wrong, disgusting and unworthy.

I don't know when or how I will ever stop that voice.

Insomnia -Fucking Hell

I curse alot in my blog. I have a fairly foul mouth. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, and I (try) to avoid sugar. Cursing is a good release.

Anyhoo, I have not slept in three nights. Not because my kid has been up, but because I CAN"T SLEEP. Why? It could be because I am having a small Valentine party today. Seven people are coming. WHOA. That's me. I am looking forward to it, but I am a little nervous. I feel lighter though. Yesterday I was putting my makeup on and I noticed a little more cheekbone. A little more definition in my face, I felt pretty yesterday. I love to lift weights and the biggest piss off about this is that it is screwing with my exercise.

I am going for a bike ride tonight.

Neck Is Ravaged By Tension

God, I have had a hard few days. Big Big binge the day before yesterday. Then a ride on the delusion-wagon as I thought, "I'll just have homemade, low-calorie shakes instead of food for a few days". Right. That lasted about six hours. Then a small binge as I had to learn (again) that my binging will always have consequences. I can't just "fast the weight off". Never.

Today has been better. I worked out in the morning, then again after breakfast. I just had finished my workout when my MIL arrived. I waded through some clutter and mess to open the door, said hi, and found my son underneath some other pile of clutter and took a shower. I felt so embarrassed to have such a fucking messy house. Still, I carried on.

I watched my niece for a while and my MIL watched the kid. It went well, but I started to feel exhausted fairly quickly. I felt like binging. I just feel trapped in the messy house, nothing to look forward to, just cleaning and childcare until the kid goes to school. I feel burned out. I want more time to feel like a pretty woman, like girl, like a person outside of "mommy". I am having a mani-pedi this week. That will help. I just get depressed at the non-stop treadmill of trying to keep a clean house, taking care of the baby and fending off the urge to binge. I miss being skinny. I miss having a job, having money, actually doing something. The cyclical nature of this is really hard, really boring and fucking depressing.

Getting Serious About Bodybuilding

I am getting serious about bodybuilding. I am going to start a proper exercise record, focus more when I lift, and learn more about different exercises. I love love LOVE to lift. It makes me feel powerful and confident. It is also an activity that feels good, reduces stress, and it healthy for me. Normally an activity that makes me feel good is either eating or shopping.

Speaking of, I have been shopping alot lately! I bought new jeans, tops, shoes, makeup and jewelry. I feel like a girl again! Not a sloppy, fat SAHM. I feel pretty again! My goal is to be dazzling at my 40th birthday party. Sounds like a good goal. I want to have hard arms, toned legs and be able to do guy push-ups by my 40th.

Insomnia

I have insomnia from hell. I don't know what it is, but I can't sleep anymore. I have so many nightmares last night. The worst one was where I was a teenager and I was put in foster care so my mother could get help for her drinking. Whenever I saw her in my dreams, she would not talk to me. That was her, turning away, ignoring me, rejecting me. Whenever I did not do what I was supposed to, - rejection.

I eventually stopped trusting her and relying on her.

That really sucks when you are a teenager and cannot rely on your family to help you.

It's Saturday Morning

I was remembering how hard it was to live with an alcoholic. My mother was scary.

Example: Saturday mornings would be bad. My mother would be angry, hungover and in the mood for a fight. She would be raging about the house being dirty and ready to direct that anger at everyone. My father would pick up on her mood and either hit or scream at whoever was not Making Mommy Happy.

I would be loading the dishwasher and ask my father if I should put the dishwasher on or wait until he had a shower. He would say that I should put the dishes on. I would and then my mommy would have found her target. Me. Selfish, selfish me. Putting the dishes on before Dad had his shower. Raging, she would turn the dishes off and yell that that Dad needed his shower. Dad would backtrack and go take a shower without sticking up for me at all.

It was a chaotic, horrible house. I eventually developed a persona, a wall, a defense mechanism to protect myself from them. My real self was buried beneath junk food, books, depression and television. Hide.Hide.Hide. I did not know who I was or what I wanted until I lived with my boyfriend. Even then, it took years of binging, depression, meetings, therapy and hell for me to be able to live as I truly am.

My family does not like who I am. The labels of 'selfish', still are applied to me. I made up my mind years ago that I would not dance for my family's approval. If I was not good enough - tough shit.

I am so angry about those years. About being abused, abandoned and expected to maintain my mother's insane denial instead of being a real kid. I am angry as hell about it.

Even today, over 25 years later, I still carry tension in my body because I am afraid of being physically attacked, belittled and targeted for bullying.

I don't know if I will every get over this.

Feeling Better

I just have to be patient I guess. I can't have what I want, which is for this to EASY. This is difficult. I just have to accept that. I love to exercise and I love to eat healthy. It's just a struggle for me.

I am going through an odd period. A housework strike. As in "I am not cleaning. I can't even make myself clean." Bizarre.

Sleepless At The Bottom Of A Bag Of Chocolate

I feel so discouraged. I woke up after a horrible night's lack of sleep and just could not take it anymore. EAT! I ate chocolate, sandwiches, cereal and tons of sugar. I feel so frustrated that my lack of sleep disables my self-discipline. It I take a pill, I binge. FUCK.

Lost Two Pounds

I lost two of the pounds I gained. I feel much better. I ran on my treadmill yesterday and went for a bike ride as well. Exercise is my saviour. It feels great to work out.

I feel good about turning forty. I feel as though I can become who I want to be. I have been feeling less apologetic, more assertive, and less concerned with what my family thinks.

Confession - I want to be a bad-ass. I want to box, lift weights, get a tatoo, a piercing and tell people who don't like it to go fuck themselves. I don't want to become rude, selfish and smug. I was horribly smug and rude in my twenties. Ugh. I mean that I want to just become what I want and fuck anyone who does not like it.

It's even affected my sex life - in a positive way. I have gotten into the habit of focusing on getting my husband off. (No wonder it felt like a chore.) Oddly, he has never been selfish and demanding in that regard. He *wants*sex to be enjoyable for both of us, not just him. So, yesterday I was a little rough in bed. Assertive. It was great and my husband certainly had no complaints.

Here's to turning forty. So far, it's going to be fucking awesome.

Cocksucker!!!

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Flattered

Well, I am flattered by "MSSOB" to be chosen for a blogger award. Thanks!

Here are my seven things:

I went through a period of being a committed Christian when I was thirteen to about sixteen. I fell away from Christianity when I could not reconcile many Christian principles with my own values.

I am a vegan. I believe that animals and humans suffer when we use their bodies for our own needs. So far, I do not eat animal products. The next step is avoiding animal products in my clothing and household.

My mother was an alcoholic. She died seven years ago. I think about her several times a day. I feel a surge of pain in my heart many times a day when I think of her. I don't know if I will every get over her death.

I don't want another baby. We cannot afford it and I cannot face the idea of having to lose weight again.

I am sad and depressed frequently. It embarrases me that I live in the rich, abundant society with a loving family, a healthy child and I still get depressed.

I hate snobby moms who do not believe that play is a "good enough" education for their children.

My kid watches too much TV.

I won't let my child have a coloring book.

I hate McDonald's.

Maybe Not..

Okay, the Master Cleanse idea was not a good idea. That was more panic thinking. Still, I gained three pounds. That feels horrible. I know that if my sleep was working that this would not be an issue, but it still feels crappy to have to lose those pounds again.

Today is cardio! I love running and I am going to take a boxing lesson soon. Hurray!

Drunk Eating

So, I have had nightmare insomnia that has drives me batshit INSANE lately. I go to the doctor, get a script and take it. Then, some kind of alternatve CrazyJoJo emerges and I EAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Ugh. This morning I decided to continue my Caligula-like hedony and EAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Seriously, this is how I would eat if I were going to the electric chair this afternoon. CHOCOLATE my heroin, my love, my secret lover. Heyyy Mr. Candymannn, jingle jangle for meee......

Anyway folks. I am going on the Master Cleanse for a few days to detox this crap out of my system. I need to feel clean and MC may help my poor body get clean.

Please feel free to note if you have done MC. This is not a plan to adopt for the rest of my life, but I need to detox this garbage from my body.

Thoughts?

Feeling Good

Where is my medal? I exercised before breakfast again! Whenever I wanted to slow down, I thought about my bodybuilding competition and pressed on. Amazing.

Sometimes I think that I am too hard on DH. He is kind, funny, sexy, supportive, sweet, interesting (if you think that is damning with faint praise, consider that we have been together for seventeen years and I STILL love to hear him talk.) and pretty fucking cool. Sometimes he quirks strain my patience I guess.

Just when I think "God, this is it. I am going to kill him", I will look at him and remember why I fell in love with him.

My sweetie.

Feeling High

Here I sit, happily tired from a (hopefully) new habit. Twenty minutes of cardio before breakfast. God, I feel like I deserve an Olympic gold medal for doing that. Still, I feel good. I weigh 163. A gain of a pound. That's okay. It's pretty much what I thought I would gain. I have also slept - SLEPT - for two nights in a row! I feel human again. Tonight I am going to take the pictures and enter the bodybuilding contest. I can't believe that I am doing that, but - why not?

Hope everyone has a great day today!

Why? Pourquoi?

Well, I think that I binged because I was being too strict with myself. I was trying to keep my calories below 1500, then I ate some rice cakes and margarine. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Rice cakes are my trigger food. Then I felt sorry for myself, thought "I can lose it again" and went for it. Ugh. Tommorow I will post my weight. It won't be pretty.

I CAN get up again. I CAN start again. I CAN change.

SHIT!

And then I binged. Got tired. Couldn't remember why not. I ate some cereal, some whipped cream, a bowl of oatmeal, maple syrup and whipped cream. Then five large bakery cookies and a glass of almond milk. Sigh.

Having A Surprisingly Good Day

I did not sleep AGAIN last night. GRRRR. I woke up this morning and thought that I was going to vomit from fatigue. I think that I am unable to sleep for various reasons, I am trying to go without carbs after six pm, and I am worried about having lunch with my father. I love my Dad, but he was really, really scary when I was younger. He was laughed and did not intervene when my mother was drunkenly berating me. He insulted me, ignored me and I have always felt that he did not approve of me. Well, fast forward twenty years and we have a better relationship, but I am always scared of him.

I was surprised that I had the energy to take the baby for a walk, then go to the store. I had the wherewithal to eat a nutritious lunch. It's weird, I thought that it would be harder to exercise and eat nutritiously today.

No Sleep

I am exhausted. I did not sleep last night and I felt nauseated to boot. I was afraid to take an Imovaine because of the sleep eating syndrome. So, I am walking around on three hours of sleep. Still, I did manage to take the baby out. That's cool.

I feel angry at how my husband behaved at my sister's house. He was sluggish, withdrawn and gave me a grumpy look when I asked him to help with the kid. I feel so angry about that because I worked hard at his parent's house to fit in, to help, to let him visit with his family and he did not return that. I feel angry that I cannot say anything without being reminded of "how hard he works for this family". I feel angry that he is not like my two BIL. They help more with the baby, with housework, etc. without becoming whiny little babies. Sometimes it is so obvious that DH was the "baby" of the family. It really shows sometimes. I feel angry that there is no way to express this to him without him becoming defensive and nasty. I feel angry and trapped.

Good and Bad

The good news is that I have lost the weight I gained from my two days of New Year's Eve. I am so glad to see that . I am weighing in daily. For some people this may not work, but it stops me from slips when I know that I have to see my weight the next day. It does have its negative side. My brain is constantly thinking "Let's EAT EVERYTHING". So, since I have lost weight, my brain will say "Okay, it's not that hard to lose it, so EAT."

I am going to enter into a contest on bodybuilding.com. The 12 week makeover challenge. Complete with pictures and measurements. That is a definite goal for me to work on.

I feel alot better today. Today is an up day, mood wise. I have to be watchful for the inevitable drop off that will come. I need to be aware so I don't get sucked in.

Today Is..

Sad. I felt sick today and cancelled seeing a movie with my sister. Was I having social anxiety? Probably. I hate this. I hate being inside on a Saturday night. I feel hemmed in and resentful right now. I want to live more, do more, but how?

At least I exercised. That felt great! I worked my lower body, which I fucking hate. I did lunges, plies, squats, hamstring lifts, and calf raises.

I feel pissed off that I have to see my MIL tomorrow. I like her, but I would rather spend the day at the movies by myself than go on a visit to my MIL. I just feel burned out on the kid. The whining, the attention, the constant guilt that I feel because I do not do enough with him, it sucks.

Back On Track

Well, yesterday SUCKED. I felt ill, was not able to exercise and wound up overeating. I did not go to the store and binge, but it was very, very close. I read magazine articles about weight lifting, read blogs, sat around, and began to feel a little feverish and ill. GREAT. I am going to be stuck in the house and I will want to binge to get away from the feelings of uselessness and anger. Still, I rallied and made a list of ways to avoid binging. It worked.

Better still, today I don't feel ill. I just finished a great workout and I am going shopping with my kid. I feel much better. I can never be a willow, but I can be strong. That is better anyway. I am going to get another small lifting session in tonight as well.

Yesterday I was reading a book, "The Amazing Adventures Of Diet Girl". The author was a binger, like me, and she went to WW to start losing weight. She weighed 351 pounds when she started. At some point in the book, she writes "The binging days are over for me". That really hit me. I thought to myself "I don't binge anymore". Hmmm. "Binging is not an option". I never thought of that before. In my life, binging urges had to be obeyed. Now when I want to binge, I think "That will mess up my workout". I am not a binger anymore. That part of my life is over.

I have to remember that I go through mood cycles. The last three days have been low. Today is high. I have to watch for the low and make sure that I don't get sucked into them for days.

Lifting Is Life.

AAARRGH!

Binging, take two. Ugh. So, these past two days have been my own personal New Year's Eve. I have eaten decadently, had sex and not-given-a-damn. Now it's over and it's time to get back to work. I feel that daily weighing and making my meals the evening before is the only way I will be able to get back on track. Otherwise, it's too easy for me to slip. If my food is ready and waiting, it's much easier to eat properly.

Lifting is life.

And then...

I binged. Shit. The day before yesterday I had a "oh screw it" moment and ate some of my husband's bran flakes. Naturally they had sugar in them. Then yesterday I had some dodgy protein stuff that had palm nectar in it. Cravings arrived. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Niggly little cravings. (hey joanna eat eat eat eat eat eat) All while I was attempting to be a mature parent. So, I bought my son a cookie from the bakery. I should have been honest and said to myself that I am going to the bakery to by myself a cookie. Naaah. So we go to the bakery and practically hump the display cases because everything looks so good. ( eat eat eat eat eat eat eat )

We go home, child nibbles on cookie, enjoys cookie. Leaves cookie to go play. Mom picks up cookie. Mom not willing to acknowledge reality. Mom throws cookie away. Mom retrieves cookie from garbage and eats it.

Great. Bakery Part Two. Box of chocolates. Chocolate eggs. Pizza. Sandwiches. Cereal.

Today even my eyelids feel fat.

Note to self. Don't kid yourself. You cannot handle sugar and flour in any form.

I Survived Christmas 2010

Yeah baby. I survived visiting relatives and sleeping in unfamiliar beds. Me and Aron Ralston (127 hours guy) are on the same level. He cut off his own arm and I left my cocoon for 48 hours. Whoo!

Anyway, I did survive despite having a horrible beginning. On the morning that we were supposed to leave, I arose in an Imovaine haze and binged on cereal and sandwiches. That is the worst beginning I could imagine. Now I am leaving familiar territory, going the land of junk food and not able to exercise. When the drug fog cleared, I was able to right myself and eat healthily for the rest of the day. Still, I was petrified that I would binge all day, get depressed and lazy, and spend the entire time plotting to sneak sweets instead of being with my family.

I survived a potentially triggering event, my half-drunk FIL looked at me at dinner and said "Would you like a drink?" I said no. (Mother was alcoholic, alcohol is sugar in liquid form, also a depressant, do not need a drink.) He looked at my (skinny, gorgeous ) SIL and said "Doesn't she look like she NEEDS a drink?" AAAAAAGH! For a horrifically sensitive soul like me, that is MURDER. Still, instead of bursting into tears and announcing that I hated him, (grist for the gossip mill) I said "I need a lot of things, some of which I will get tonight". (Sly glance at husband.) They all said "Ooooh". (They love bawdy remarks.) Situation averted.

Anyway, we went to my older sister's house. Her beautiful, old house. Her beautiful, old, beautifully decorated house. Filled with thousands of dollars of toys, shoes, clothes, dishes, makeup, remodeling, Barbie houses (three), a giant train table, two giant televisions, a bouncy castle, a play house, etc. A wave of jealousy swept through me as I entered. I always feel jealous and a little angry whenever I go there. My BIL is a lawyer. He is a really nice guy and is a total family man. He is happy to provide for his family, but sometimes I feel pissed off. I went to school, I studied, I earned good grades, yet the most I will ever make is probably 23 dollars an hour. That's with a BA and a diploma. My husband works hard, and he definitely makes good money, but we will never have such a lavish lifestyle. It just isn't fair. I know, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Just ask any woman who lives in Afghganistan if life is fair. She would look at my life and probably feel angry at what luxuries that I enjoy. Anyway, I worked through that and enjoyed my lovely family.

Still, every time I went to my room, I had to pass by a huge bag of chocolate chips. That I could have swiped and taken to my room. That I could have eaten a TON of in five minutes. I survived that .

I love half a pound over Christmas. A-MAZING. I am at my lowest weight since my second trimester of pregnancy. 162 pounds. My goal is 135 - 140. If I stay away from sugar and flour. I will make it.

I hope that my two followers have had a great Christmas as well!