Argh

Alot of good things are happening in my life. I want to start off positive with this entry.

- It's sunny and summer is really starting up.

- I feel attractive and strong since I began weight lifting again.

- I am excited about the possible career choice of being a personal trainer.

- I feel positive about the future.

My sister emailed me yesterday. She is going to visit my older sister. I was not invited. Is this an overreaction? I don't really know. I could have gone. I just feel afraid of going and being surrounded again by food.

I always feel annoyed when I get there because my older sister peppers me with questions about my life, then seems disappointed when my life is not what she wants it to be. I don't go to fancy restaurants, I don't spend alot of money decorating, I enjoy a quiet life because that is what I want.

It's tiresome.

I felt peeved because I emailed my younger sister about wading through a depressive phase and she emailed back that I should get help because I seem to go through this alot and it must be hard on my family. Thanks, I never thought about getting help. God.

It just triggered alot of rage in me at my younger sister's bullying me. I have always felt such tremendous guilt about not being as good a daughter as she is. I let her boss me around. I hate her sometimes. I feel angry at not being accepted for who I am in my family.

I withdrew from my family because the dysfunctional dynamics around my mother's drinking was killing me. I was binging away the pain and the sadness. I decided that I did not deserve to suffer like that and if my parents were not going to protect me, nurture me or value me, I was not going to be close to them.

I feel really guilty about that. I don't know what to do. I feel angry at being rejected and ignored.

I fucking hate my family.