Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Just Weighed Myself

I gained .2 pounds. I was feeling my clothes getting loser, so I weighed myself. Now I am scared that I am eating too much. What to think?

I feel so scared of binging tomorrow. I will be at home, depressed, and trying to clean the apartment. I feel sad and scared.

I need a plan.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Still Angry

I still feel angry at hubby. I bought gum today, knowing that he would throw a tantrum about it. God, I bought him a beautiful gift of singing lessons, but he exhanged that for musical instruments for the baby. Thanks, that was just my gift to you, but don't worry. It doesn't feel like spit on my face to find out that BIG SELFLESS BENNI GAVE AWAY MY PRESENT TO HIM.


He is such a baby sometimes. He grouched out the door today and slammed it because I was talking to my sister instead of babying him out the door.
His controlling, grim, angry attitude towards money makes me want to bash him in the head. I GOT IT.
I wish we could talk about money without Ben becoming paternal, tense, controlling and a big fucking dickhead.
I hate myself for not knowing about money so that I can't talk to him about it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Feeling Scared

Well, things have improved. I feel more focused and happy. I realized that I love lifting weights, really love it. I cannot look for a quick fix anymore. I have to Eat Clean, lift and run. I want to be a personal trainer as well. I really want to help people as they get older and show them that they can still take care of themselves. I love the idea of being fit and healthy and vital as I get older. It would make up for having a sluggish, depressed teen life.

I am scared of binging today. I got up at four o'clock after a terrible night's sleep. Three o'clock in the afternoon is my bad time. I am scared of falling half-asleep, waking up and then binging because I can't remember why not.

Here is my plan:
Eat a high protein, high-fibre snack in the afternoon to make sure that my blood sugar does not drop.
Take it easy on myself today.
Make certain that I am out of the house with the kid in the afternoon.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Just Finished Screaming

So, here I sit. A year after this blog began and I am five pounds heavier. I have gotten sidetracked into the promise of fad diets. Dukan Diet, Zone and Atkins. After these fiascos, I have lost muscle tone and become flabbier. Perfect. So, here I go again. This time, Clean Eating, lifting and running. NO more attempts at magic tricks.

I just finished screaming because I caught my thumb in a cupboard drawer. I let out some frustration and scared my kid.

I feel like the world's shittiest parent.

I am frustrated because hubby had the "We have to cut back" talk with me again. I have been cutting back and it has made no difference to him. It's all the same. He gets depressed and uptight and we have to cut back. We cut back and he stays depressed and uptight and I feel as though spending a ton of money and not spending a ton of money makes no difference to him.

It's pointless. It feels hopeless. We are stuck in this expensive place because of his stupid job. I feel as though we have to suffer because of his job. If it was not for his stupid job we could move somewhere cheaper. We could start over somewhere and have money for vacations, furniture and a life. I wish that he could see that being here is a sacrifice for me. I could find a job easier, childcare would be cheaper, and we could have a real life instead of this shit.

Instead it's "Don't buy magazines/gum/etc." for me.

I fucking hate him sometimes.

I fucking hate my life.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Where Have I Been?

Well, I joined WW again. I am quitting it again. Too much money for what I get out of it. It's a good program and it certainly does work for people, but I just want to concentrate on clean eating and exercise.

I am 168 pounds. Eff. It could be alot worse and I know that I don't look appalling, but when am I ever going to lose this weight?

Thursday, August 18, 2011

What's Up With Me?

What is up with me? I have been fighting a minor urge to binge all day. I just ate two bowls of oatmeal, milk, protein powder and sugar-free chocolate mousse mix. Why?

I was mixing it and it popped into my head, "I am angry". I am angry at my father. I have been obsessing all day about how he did not accept my independence. I detached after I moved out, I spent less time with him and Mom. I probably hurt Mom's feelings. I probably hurt his feelings. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have just finished a fun afternoon watching two other children along with Richard. I then felt angry at my father. I have been a loving, warm, respectful caregiver and mother. I know I am.

Why couldn't he appreciate that? Why can't he see what a great person I am? Why is it so hard for him to see that I am loving, kind, respectful and fun? Why is he so distant? What have I done wrong?

Monday, August 15, 2011

It's Good News

Well, I have been weighing in every day. It's been helpful in keeping from the "binging tunnel vision" I get. You know, when the only thing I can see is chocolate and all I can think about is how chocolate tastes good. When I can remember how it feels to wake up after a binge and realize that I am not going to make my goals again, I can stay out of "binge mode".

So, I weighed myself and I have lost three pounds. Good for me! However, it is a small potential trap because it triggers the pre-binge thoughts, "Hey, I am AHEAD of my weight loss goal. It's easy to lose weight. Let's eat!"

Again, a deconstruction:

"It's easy to lose weight. Why don't I eat and lose the weight I gain?"

If it is so easy, why is the baby almost three and you still have thirty pounds to lose?

"I deserve a treat! Everyone else gets a treat!"

Is that why obesity is a major health problem in Canada?

"I can handle just a little"

Right now it may feel like you can, but that ALWAYS snowballs into a binge. You may get sleepy tomorrow afternoon, and then - BAM! Your willpower and focus disapears and you binge.

Do you want to write out your weight loss goals AGAIN?

155 pounds by December 25.

A slim, sexy Christmas.

Feeling thin and sexy in the Fall.

Looking good at the baby's third birthday party.

161 by September 1st

158 by October 1st

155 by December 25th

I can do it!!