Monday, January 31, 2011

Getting Serious About Bodybuilding

I am getting serious about bodybuilding. I am going to start a proper exercise record, focus more when I lift, and learn more about different exercises. I love love LOVE to lift. It makes me feel powerful and confident. It is also an activity that feels good, reduces stress, and it healthy for me. Normally an activity that makes me feel good is either eating or shopping.

Speaking of, I have been shopping alot lately! I bought new jeans, tops, shoes, makeup and jewelry. I feel like a girl again! Not a sloppy, fat SAHM. I feel pretty again! My goal is to be dazzling at my 40th birthday party. Sounds like a good goal. I want to have hard arms, toned legs and be able to do guy push-ups by my 40th.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Insomnia

I have insomnia from hell. I don't know what it is, but I can't sleep anymore. I have so many nightmares last night. The worst one was where I was a teenager and I was put in foster care so my mother could get help for her drinking. Whenever I saw her in my dreams, she would not talk to me. That was her, turning away, ignoring me, rejecting me. Whenever I did not do what I was supposed to, - rejection.

I eventually stopped trusting her and relying on her.

That really sucks when you are a teenager and cannot rely on your family to help you.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

It's Saturday Morning

I was remembering how hard it was to live with an alcoholic. My mother was scary.

Example: Saturday mornings would be bad. My mother would be angry, hungover and in the mood for a fight. She would be raging about the house being dirty and ready to direct that anger at everyone. My father would pick up on her mood and either hit or scream at whoever was not Making Mommy Happy.

I would be loading the dishwasher and ask my father if I should put the dishwasher on or wait until he had a shower. He would say that I should put the dishes on. I would and then my mommy would have found her target. Me. Selfish, selfish me. Putting the dishes on before Dad had his shower. Raging, she would turn the dishes off and yell that that Dad needed his shower. Dad would backtrack and go take a shower without sticking up for me at all.

It was a chaotic, horrible house. I eventually developed a persona, a wall, a defense mechanism to protect myself from them. My real self was buried beneath junk food, books, depression and television. Hide.Hide.Hide. I did not know who I was or what I wanted until I lived with my boyfriend. Even then, it took years of binging, depression, meetings, therapy and hell for me to be able to live as I truly am.

My family does not like who I am. The labels of 'selfish', still are applied to me. I made up my mind years ago that I would not dance for my family's approval. If I was not good enough - tough shit.

I am so angry about those years. About being abused, abandoned and expected to maintain my mother's insane denial instead of being a real kid. I am angry as hell about it.

Even today, over 25 years later, I still carry tension in my body because I am afraid of being physically attacked, belittled and targeted for bullying.

I don't know if I will every get over this.

Friday, January 28, 2011

Feeling Better

I just have to be patient I guess. I can't have what I want, which is for this to EASY. This is difficult. I just have to accept that. I love to exercise and I love to eat healthy. It's just a struggle for me.

I am going through an odd period. A housework strike. As in "I am not cleaning. I can't even make myself clean." Bizarre.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Sleepless At The Bottom Of A Bag Of Chocolate

I feel so discouraged. I woke up after a horrible night's lack of sleep and just could not take it anymore. EAT! I ate chocolate, sandwiches, cereal and tons of sugar. I feel so frustrated that my lack of sleep disables my self-discipline. It I take a pill, I binge. FUCK.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Lost Two Pounds

I lost two of the pounds I gained. I feel much better. I ran on my treadmill yesterday and went for a bike ride as well. Exercise is my saviour. It feels great to work out.

I feel good about turning forty. I feel as though I can become who I want to be. I have been feeling less apologetic, more assertive, and less concerned with what my family thinks.

Confession - I want to be a bad-ass. I want to box, lift weights, get a tatoo, a piercing and tell people who don't like it to go fuck themselves. I don't want to become rude, selfish and smug. I was horribly smug and rude in my twenties. Ugh. I mean that I want to just become what I want and fuck anyone who does not like it.

It's even affected my sex life - in a positive way. I have gotten into the habit of focusing on getting my husband off. (No wonder it felt like a chore.) Oddly, he has never been selfish and demanding in that regard. He *wants*sex to be enjoyable for both of us, not just him. So, yesterday I was a little rough in bed. Assertive. It was great and my husband certainly had no complaints.

Here's to turning forty. So far, it's going to be fucking awesome.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Cocksucker!!!

I just feel frustrated. I gained four pounds this week. Last night I could not sleep, but I did not want to take medication because then Bizarro JoJo emerges and inhales food. I feel so crabby right now. I want to go to the mall, get my eyebrows done, have a bit of non-Mom time, but I can't. I did not get enough sleep to muster the energy to do that. I feel exhausted. I am going to be stuck in again and that really, really upsets me.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Flattered

Well, I am flattered by "MSSOB" to be chosen for a blogger award. Thanks!

Here are my seven things:

I went through a period of being a committed Christian when I was thirteen to about sixteen. I fell away from Christianity when I could not reconcile many Christian principles with my own values.

I am a vegan. I believe that animals and humans suffer when we use their bodies for our own needs. So far, I do not eat animal products. The next step is avoiding animal products in my clothing and household.

My mother was an alcoholic. She died seven years ago. I think about her several times a day. I feel a surge of pain in my heart many times a day when I think of her. I don't know if I will every get over her death.

I don't want another baby. We cannot afford it and I cannot face the idea of having to lose weight again.

I am sad and depressed frequently. It embarrases me that I live in the rich, abundant society with a loving family, a healthy child and I still get depressed.

I hate snobby moms who do not believe that play is a "good enough" education for their children.

My kid watches too much TV.

I won't let my child have a coloring book.

I hate McDonald's.

Maybe Not..

Okay, the Master Cleanse idea was not a good idea. That was more panic thinking. Still, I gained three pounds. That feels horrible. I know that if my sleep was working that this would not be an issue, but it still feels crappy to have to lose those pounds again.

Today is cardio! I love running and I am going to take a boxing lesson soon. Hurray!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Drunk Eating

So, I have had nightmare insomnia that has drives me batshit INSANE lately. I go to the doctor, get a script and take it. Then, some kind of alternatve CrazyJoJo emerges and I EAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Ugh. This morning I decided to continue my Caligula-like hedony and EAT LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER. Seriously, this is how I would eat if I were going to the electric chair this afternoon. CHOCOLATE my heroin, my love, my secret lover. Heyyy Mr. Candymannn, jingle jangle for meee......

Anyway folks. I am going on the Master Cleanse for a few days to detox this crap out of my system. I need to feel clean and MC may help my poor body get clean.

Please feel free to note if you have done MC. This is not a plan to adopt for the rest of my life, but I need to detox this garbage from my body.

Thoughts?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Feeling Good

Where is my medal? I exercised before breakfast again! Whenever I wanted to slow down, I thought about my bodybuilding competition and pressed on. Amazing.

Sometimes I think that I am too hard on DH. He is kind, funny, sexy, supportive, sweet, interesting (if you think that is damning with faint praise, consider that we have been together for seventeen years and I STILL love to hear him talk.) and pretty fucking cool. Sometimes he quirks strain my patience I guess.

Just when I think "God, this is it. I am going to kill him", I will look at him and remember why I fell in love with him.

My sweetie.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Feeling High

Here I sit, happily tired from a (hopefully) new habit. Twenty minutes of cardio before breakfast. God, I feel like I deserve an Olympic gold medal for doing that. Still, I feel good. I weigh 163. A gain of a pound. That's okay. It's pretty much what I thought I would gain. I have also slept - SLEPT - for two nights in a row! I feel human again. Tonight I am going to take the pictures and enter the bodybuilding contest. I can't believe that I am doing that, but - why not?

Hope everyone has a great day today!

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Why? Pourquoi?

Well, I think that I binged because I was being too strict with myself. I was trying to keep my calories below 1500, then I ate some rice cakes and margarine. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Rice cakes are my trigger food. Then I felt sorry for myself, thought "I can lose it again" and went for it. Ugh. Tommorow I will post my weight. It won't be pretty.

I CAN get up again. I CAN start again. I CAN change.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

SHIT!

And then I binged. Got tired. Couldn't remember why not. I ate some cereal, some whipped cream, a bowl of oatmeal, maple syrup and whipped cream. Then five large bakery cookies and a glass of almond milk. Sigh.

Having A Surprisingly Good Day

I did not sleep AGAIN last night. GRRRR. I woke up this morning and thought that I was going to vomit from fatigue. I think that I am unable to sleep for various reasons, I am trying to go without carbs after six pm, and I am worried about having lunch with my father. I love my Dad, but he was really, really scary when I was younger. He was laughed and did not intervene when my mother was drunkenly berating me. He insulted me, ignored me and I have always felt that he did not approve of me. Well, fast forward twenty years and we have a better relationship, but I am always scared of him.

I was surprised that I had the energy to take the baby for a walk, then go to the store. I had the wherewithal to eat a nutritious lunch. It's weird, I thought that it would be harder to exercise and eat nutritiously today.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

No Sleep

I am exhausted. I did not sleep last night and I felt nauseated to boot. I was afraid to take an Imovaine because of the sleep eating syndrome. So, I am walking around on three hours of sleep. Still, I did manage to take the baby out. That's cool.

I feel angry at how my husband behaved at my sister's house. He was sluggish, withdrawn and gave me a grumpy look when I asked him to help with the kid. I feel so angry about that because I worked hard at his parent's house to fit in, to help, to let him visit with his family and he did not return that. I feel angry that I cannot say anything without being reminded of "how hard he works for this family". I feel angry that he is not like my two BIL. They help more with the baby, with housework, etc. without becoming whiny little babies. Sometimes it is so obvious that DH was the "baby" of the family. It really shows sometimes. I feel angry that there is no way to express this to him without him becoming defensive and nasty. I feel angry and trapped.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Good and Bad

The good news is that I have lost the weight I gained from my two days of New Year's Eve. I am so glad to see that . I am weighing in daily. For some people this may not work, but it stops me from slips when I know that I have to see my weight the next day. It does have its negative side. My brain is constantly thinking "Let's EAT EVERYTHING". So, since I have lost weight, my brain will say "Okay, it's not that hard to lose it, so EAT."

I am going to enter into a contest on bodybuilding.com. The 12 week makeover challenge. Complete with pictures and measurements. That is a definite goal for me to work on.

I feel alot better today. Today is an up day, mood wise. I have to be watchful for the inevitable drop off that will come. I need to be aware so I don't get sucked in.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Today Is..

Sad. I felt sick today and cancelled seeing a movie with my sister. Was I having social anxiety? Probably. I hate this. I hate being inside on a Saturday night. I feel hemmed in and resentful right now. I want to live more, do more, but how?

At least I exercised. That felt great! I worked my lower body, which I fucking hate. I did lunges, plies, squats, hamstring lifts, and calf raises.

I feel pissed off that I have to see my MIL tomorrow. I like her, but I would rather spend the day at the movies by myself than go on a visit to my MIL. I just feel burned out on the kid. The whining, the attention, the constant guilt that I feel because I do not do enough with him, it sucks.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Back On Track

Well, yesterday SUCKED. I felt ill, was not able to exercise and wound up overeating. I did not go to the store and binge, but it was very, very close. I read magazine articles about weight lifting, read blogs, sat around, and began to feel a little feverish and ill. GREAT. I am going to be stuck in the house and I will want to binge to get away from the feelings of uselessness and anger. Still, I rallied and made a list of ways to avoid binging. It worked.

Better still, today I don't feel ill. I just finished a great workout and I am going shopping with my kid. I feel much better. I can never be a willow, but I can be strong. That is better anyway. I am going to get another small lifting session in tonight as well.

Yesterday I was reading a book, "The Amazing Adventures Of Diet Girl". The author was a binger, like me, and she went to WW to start losing weight. She weighed 351 pounds when she started. At some point in the book, she writes "The binging days are over for me". That really hit me. I thought to myself "I don't binge anymore". Hmmm. "Binging is not an option". I never thought of that before. In my life, binging urges had to be obeyed. Now when I want to binge, I think "That will mess up my workout". I am not a binger anymore. That part of my life is over.

I have to remember that I go through mood cycles. The last three days have been low. Today is high. I have to watch for the low and make sure that I don't get sucked into them for days.

Lifting Is Life.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

AAARRGH!

Binging, take two. Ugh. So, these past two days have been my own personal New Year's Eve. I have eaten decadently, had sex and not-given-a-damn. Now it's over and it's time to get back to work. I feel that daily weighing and making my meals the evening before is the only way I will be able to get back on track. Otherwise, it's too easy for me to slip. If my food is ready and waiting, it's much easier to eat properly.

Lifting is life.

And then...

I binged. Shit. The day before yesterday I had a "oh screw it" moment and ate some of my husband's bran flakes. Naturally they had sugar in them. Then yesterday I had some dodgy protein stuff that had palm nectar in it. Cravings arrived. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Niggly little cravings. (hey joanna eat eat eat eat eat eat) All while I was attempting to be a mature parent. So, I bought my son a cookie from the bakery. I should have been honest and said to myself that I am going to the bakery to by myself a cookie. Naaah. So we go to the bakery and practically hump the display cases because everything looks so good. ( eat eat eat eat eat eat eat )

We go home, child nibbles on cookie, enjoys cookie. Leaves cookie to go play. Mom picks up cookie. Mom not willing to acknowledge reality. Mom throws cookie away. Mom retrieves cookie from garbage and eats it.

Great. Bakery Part Two. Box of chocolates. Chocolate eggs. Pizza. Sandwiches. Cereal.

Today even my eyelids feel fat.

Note to self. Don't kid yourself. You cannot handle sugar and flour in any form.

Monday, January 3, 2011

I Survived Christmas 2010

Yeah baby. I survived visiting relatives and sleeping in unfamiliar beds. Me and Aron Ralston (127 hours guy) are on the same level. He cut off his own arm and I left my cocoon for 48 hours. Whoo!

Anyway, I did survive despite having a horrible beginning. On the morning that we were supposed to leave, I arose in an Imovaine haze and binged on cereal and sandwiches. That is the worst beginning I could imagine. Now I am leaving familiar territory, going the land of junk food and not able to exercise. When the drug fog cleared, I was able to right myself and eat healthily for the rest of the day. Still, I was petrified that I would binge all day, get depressed and lazy, and spend the entire time plotting to sneak sweets instead of being with my family.

I survived a potentially triggering event, my half-drunk FIL looked at me at dinner and said "Would you like a drink?" I said no. (Mother was alcoholic, alcohol is sugar in liquid form, also a depressant, do not need a drink.) He looked at my (skinny, gorgeous ) SIL and said "Doesn't she look like she NEEDS a drink?" AAAAAAGH! For a horrifically sensitive soul like me, that is MURDER. Still, instead of bursting into tears and announcing that I hated him, (grist for the gossip mill) I said "I need a lot of things, some of which I will get tonight". (Sly glance at husband.) They all said "Ooooh". (They love bawdy remarks.) Situation averted.

Anyway, we went to my older sister's house. Her beautiful, old house. Her beautiful, old, beautifully decorated house. Filled with thousands of dollars of toys, shoes, clothes, dishes, makeup, remodeling, Barbie houses (three), a giant train table, two giant televisions, a bouncy castle, a play house, etc. A wave of jealousy swept through me as I entered. I always feel jealous and a little angry whenever I go there. My BIL is a lawyer. He is a really nice guy and is a total family man. He is happy to provide for his family, but sometimes I feel pissed off. I went to school, I studied, I earned good grades, yet the most I will ever make is probably 23 dollars an hour. That's with a BA and a diploma. My husband works hard, and he definitely makes good money, but we will never have such a lavish lifestyle. It just isn't fair. I know, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Just ask any woman who lives in Afghganistan if life is fair. She would look at my life and probably feel angry at what luxuries that I enjoy. Anyway, I worked through that and enjoyed my lovely family.

Still, every time I went to my room, I had to pass by a huge bag of chocolate chips. That I could have swiped and taken to my room. That I could have eaten a TON of in five minutes. I survived that .

I love half a pound over Christmas. A-MAZING. I am at my lowest weight since my second trimester of pregnancy. 162 pounds. My goal is 135 - 140. If I stay away from sugar and flour. I will make it.

I hope that my two followers have had a great Christmas as well!