Sunday, February 27, 2011

1.5 Pounds

I must admit, I felt a little disapointed. I wanted MORE. It's not a useful way to think, I mean, WW kept me tracking my food and my exercise all week - as well as helped me lose weight. That is what I was looking for.

I feel ill today. I am still going to workout.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Well, Here Goes..

Well, I go in for my weigh-in. I feel much lighter and my scale said 161.8 this morning. That is not what the Holy WW Scale will say, but I am hoping for a good result. This time I will buy ONE box of treats and that will last all week. End of story.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I Like Weight Watchers

I think that I like WW. I may even lose weight this week, but WW has forced me to track my food, drink my water, exercise and just basically stay on track. It has really helped me avoid "What the fuck. Why not binge, moments". I also has given me a good goal to reach for, knowing that I have to weigh in this week has given me alot of incentive to try hard and work hard.

I feel better lately, I guess my post-partum depression has lifted. That always seems to be a major cause for weight gain. Depression, "I'm a bad person", "I don't deserve to be thin". My guilt about gaining weight and leaving my job has lifted. I believe that weight lifting has really helped with this. It obviously has released alot of endorphins and made me look better.

Lifting is life.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Weigh In Worries

I just feel heavy right now. I had two bags of WW popcorn yesterday and I know that I am retaining water like crazy. I feel heavy, as though if I weighed in, I would be up. I am going to exercise like crazy this week, but I worry that I am eating too much fruit. So far though, I love this program. I love the accountability. I love tracking my food. It feels like a good way to stay focused.

I keep weighing my career options. I have considered becoming a fitness leader. I do love to exercise and I could enjoy helping older people exercise. Frankly, becoming a personal trainer sounds impressive. I know that I should not aim for that, but sometimes it would be nice to have a career people had actually heard of.

I feel tired and worried today. What is going to happen with my life? I feel as though I spend too much time inside. I want to go out and live more, but how?

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Scared Myself

Yesterday I failed to plan properly. I had to go and pick up my nieces and I had to wait a while for them. I had brought some fruit, but it wasn't enough and it was dinner time. So, I had a sesame, peanut, raisin bar, and a chocolate bar. Bad. No. I cannot have a life where I occasionaly have chocolate. It always spirals and I lose control. That scares me. I want to eat clean, healthy foods and avoid animal products. So far, no cravings today, but still WTF?

I did a good hard run on the treadmill. I love exercise. I love lifting. I can run faster and lift more now. That feels tremendous!

I feel pretty now a days. I haven't in a long time. I wish that my mother could have saved herself the way I have.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Weighed In Again Today

So I went in and weighed in again today. Half pound gain. It's a miracle that it wasn't more. Last night was a nightmare. I was about to settle into an actual pleasant sleep when my kid decided to talk to me, over and over and over again. "Uppies?" (Where can you go? You are snuggled in my arms. Isn't that good enough?) "Daddy?" (Daddy is in another room, does not want to walk in here and talk to you.) "Uppies?" AAAAGH!

I would up binging on cereal and sandwiches out of stress. I am really stressed right now. It's embarrassing, but I am scared of getting something wrong at my sister's birthday party. Ever since I was criticized to death after my younger sister's wedding for behaviour that did not seem to be that awful, I feel hyper-conscious, and scared before a family gathering. Will I get it right this time? Will trip an invisible trip wire and pull over an avalanche of criticism? Will I seem selfish? Will I seem rude? How can I avoid being targeted and criticized? My stomach is in knots over my family's opinion of me.

Sometimes I hate them. Just shut up, get over it, and carry on with your life instead of focusing on mine. How 'bout it?

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

I Feel Terrible

I canceled on a lunch with my sis and Dad. I feel worried that I hurt my family's feelings. Now the house is a mess and I don't have the energy to clean it. Then I ate a huge bowl of cereal for a snack.

I want to binge to get away from my feelings. I feel lonely and bored and very ashamed. I feel ashamed because I could simply go out, etc. I just don't feel like it because I am exhausted right now. My sleep has been off and I have been working out hard to try to undo the damage of what I ate. I think cereal is definitely a trouble food for me. No more I think.

I feel terribly ashamed because the baby is just watching TV all day. I feel so sleepy that I cannot muster the energy to do anything else. I feel like a bad mother and a bad daughter today. I feel sad and bored. I want to use food to get away from this.

I don't care if my weigh-in next week shows a gain. I will stick with this program. I will track my food, exercise and try. I will stick with this program no matter what.

Monday, February 14, 2011


I am scared of tomorrow's weigh in. I ate one-third of a cup of Reese's Pieces. Will that screw me up? I know that I worked hard this week, but I will still feel like a failure if I don't see a loss. I feel so fat still. I tried on a smaller shirt and just felt horrible in it. I still feel fat and blobby and I don't see an end to it. It's hard to wait. It's hard to work hard and wait. I want the old Joanna back. I want to wear my pre preggo pants and feel like a regular person again instead of an overweight mom. I kind of want this to be over.

I feel a little scared of my husband being furious over the amount of money I have spent lately. I feel afraid of having to extend our line of credit for my irresponsiblity. I can't help it sometimes, I just need to feel pretty, to feel alive and to feel like a beautiful mama instead of a dumpy old lady.

Weighed Myself Today

I am down about 1.5 pounds. A miracle. If this keeps on working, I will be on WW for LIFE. I will be WW's bitch.

I woke up in a good mood, then my husband opened the VISA bill, he hasn't said anything, but I feel so guilty about spending money. I feel very sad and depressed today. I wish that I was a better person, a more mature, independent, good person.

I miss my mother so much, but she could never accept who I was. So many times she would stare at me with a look of disgust on her face, I'd say "What's wrong?" She'd said "Nothing". (keep trying for my approval) It was a manipulative game for her to give me the "You are not good enough" vibe. I eventually stopped trying.

She broke my heart. To this day the beatings she administered register as tension in my shoulders and back, I always expect to be attacked. I constantly give off the 'don't touch me' air. I cannot stand people being close to me. I carry the guilty, rage and frustration of our relationship with me everyday.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Feeling Full

Well, I am almost afraid that this won't work because I am not starving. However, I am willing to follow their formula exactly and see what happens. I like knowing that I have a formula, that I don't have to make it up as I go along, and just hope that it works.

I still stay away from binge foods. I am not going to kid myself that "I can handle a little bit". Forget it. No sugar, no white flour, as unprocessed as possible.

I am coming to terms that I will never be something that impresses people. I am good at alot of important things, Early Childhood Education for one, but people will never say "Wow"! I am jealous of my older sister, she is getting her Phd. Impressive. I am going to be a tutor for dyslexic children. I will make decent money and that will be good enough.

Right now I have to focus on supporting my husband as he takes on a difficult job at work. That will be hard. That will have to be good enough.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Jennifer Hudson's Siren Song Lured Me

Well, I joined WW. I just wanted the accountability. So far, (Day Two) it has been going well. I like having a formula to follow instead of guessing. I also like having a definite weigh-in coming. We'll see.

My sleep has improved. I feel much better. Sometimes, as a SAHM, I find it really hard to know what to do. I often feel as though I have accomplished nothing each day. Some laundry, some housework,etc. I often feel guilty because I don't take the baby out as much as he needs. Then I take him out and feel guilty because the house is a disaster. It all feels like so much pointless floating through the day, mired in guilt because whatever I do is not the right thing.

I love my baby, but the constant mess, constant decision-making and worry about beinga good mother is exhausting. Am I raising a brat? Am I raising a kid that can't cope? Or am I raising a confident, healthy boy? What is the right thing?

Monday, February 7, 2011

Imovaine Haze

Holy Shit. I took some imovaine and got totally stoned. I felt so exhausted on Saturday night I could not even remember why I should not binge and had sandwiches, peanut butter pudding, and cereal. Then I woke up and made more pudding, and ate it. The next day I woke up and was still too stoned to remember why not, and binged again. Giant chocolate bar, small chocolates, crackers, sandwiches, pasta, etc. Ughghghghghghg.

I was so stoned I was stumbling around. I should be ashamed of that, but I'm not. I am ashamed as hell about binging. If my sleep was working it would not have happened. I don't know what to do. I'm seeing a dietician this Friday. Maybe I am missing something.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

My Heart

Sometimes my heart strains with fear for my son. My gorgeous little boy. What if something happened to him? I thinks of horrors too unspeakable to mention that have happened to other people's children. Do other parents think about this? How do I keep these thoughts out of my head? Will this fear keep me from being a good parent to Richard? Will I be able to be strong, organized, fair, capable when he grows up?

God, I miss exercising so much. Tomorrow I will post my measurements and goals.

I know that it is progress that I was able to talk myself out of a binge an hour ago. It was hard, but I asked myself what I wanted food to give me. I wanted food to give me a release from the tension in my body, from the ruthless, merciless chatter in my head that tells me that I am dirty, bad, wrong, disgusting and unworthy.

I don't know when or how I will ever stop that voice.

Insomnia -Fucking Hell

I curse alot in my blog. I have a fairly foul mouth. I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, and I (try) to avoid sugar. Cursing is a good release.

Anyhoo, I have not slept in three nights. Not because my kid has been up, but because I CAN"T SLEEP. Why? It could be because I am having a small Valentine party today. Seven people are coming. WHOA. That's me. I am looking forward to it, but I am a little nervous. I feel lighter though. Yesterday I was putting my makeup on and I noticed a little more cheekbone. A little more definition in my face, I felt pretty yesterday. I love to lift weights and the biggest piss off about this is that it is screwing with my exercise.

I am going for a bike ride tonight.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Neck Is Ravaged By Tension

God, I have had a hard few days. Big Big binge the day before yesterday. Then a ride on the delusion-wagon as I thought, "I'll just have homemade, low-calorie shakes instead of food for a few days". Right. That lasted about six hours. Then a small binge as I had to learn (again) that my binging will always have consequences. I can't just "fast the weight off". Never.

Today has been better. I worked out in the morning, then again after breakfast. I just had finished my workout when my MIL arrived. I waded through some clutter and mess to open the door, said hi, and found my son underneath some other pile of clutter and took a shower. I felt so embarrassed to have such a fucking messy house. Still, I carried on.

I watched my niece for a while and my MIL watched the kid. It went well, but I started to feel exhausted fairly quickly. I felt like binging. I just feel trapped in the messy house, nothing to look forward to, just cleaning and childcare until the kid goes to school. I feel burned out. I want more time to feel like a pretty woman, like girl, like a person outside of "mommy". I am having a mani-pedi this week. That will help. I just get depressed at the non-stop treadmill of trying to keep a clean house, taking care of the baby and fending off the urge to binge. I miss being skinny. I miss having a job, having money, actually doing something. The cyclical nature of this is really hard, really boring and fucking depressing.