Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Just Weighed Myself

I gained .2 pounds. I was feeling my clothes getting loser, so I weighed myself. Now I am scared that I am eating too much. What to think?

I feel so scared of binging tomorrow. I will be at home, depressed, and trying to clean the apartment. I feel sad and scared.

I need a plan.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Still Angry

I still feel angry at hubby. I bought gum today, knowing that he would throw a tantrum about it. God, I bought him a beautiful gift of singing lessons, but he exhanged that for musical instruments for the baby. Thanks, that was just my gift to you, but don't worry. It doesn't feel like spit on my face to find out that BIG SELFLESS BENNI GAVE AWAY MY PRESENT TO HIM.


He is such a baby sometimes. He grouched out the door today and slammed it because I was talking to my sister instead of babying him out the door.
His controlling, grim, angry attitude towards money makes me want to bash him in the head. I GOT IT.
I wish we could talk about money without Ben becoming paternal, tense, controlling and a big fucking dickhead.
I hate myself for not knowing about money so that I can't talk to him about it.

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Feeling Scared

Well, things have improved. I feel more focused and happy. I realized that I love lifting weights, really love it. I cannot look for a quick fix anymore. I have to Eat Clean, lift and run. I want to be a personal trainer as well. I really want to help people as they get older and show them that they can still take care of themselves. I love the idea of being fit and healthy and vital as I get older. It would make up for having a sluggish, depressed teen life.

I am scared of binging today. I got up at four o'clock after a terrible night's sleep. Three o'clock in the afternoon is my bad time. I am scared of falling half-asleep, waking up and then binging because I can't remember why not.

Here is my plan:
Eat a high protein, high-fibre snack in the afternoon to make sure that my blood sugar does not drop.
Take it easy on myself today.
Make certain that I am out of the house with the kid in the afternoon.

Friday, January 27, 2012

Just Finished Screaming

So, here I sit. A year after this blog began and I am five pounds heavier. I have gotten sidetracked into the promise of fad diets. Dukan Diet, Zone and Atkins. After these fiascos, I have lost muscle tone and become flabbier. Perfect. So, here I go again. This time, Clean Eating, lifting and running. NO more attempts at magic tricks.

I just finished screaming because I caught my thumb in a cupboard drawer. I let out some frustration and scared my kid.

I feel like the world's shittiest parent.

I am frustrated because hubby had the "We have to cut back" talk with me again. I have been cutting back and it has made no difference to him. It's all the same. He gets depressed and uptight and we have to cut back. We cut back and he stays depressed and uptight and I feel as though spending a ton of money and not spending a ton of money makes no difference to him.

It's pointless. It feels hopeless. We are stuck in this expensive place because of his stupid job. I feel as though we have to suffer because of his job. If it was not for his stupid job we could move somewhere cheaper. We could start over somewhere and have money for vacations, furniture and a life. I wish that he could see that being here is a sacrifice for me. I could find a job easier, childcare would be cheaper, and we could have a real life instead of this shit.

Instead it's "Don't buy magazines/gum/etc." for me.

I fucking hate him sometimes.

I fucking hate my life.