God, I have had a hard few days. Big Big binge the day before yesterday. Then a ride on the delusion-wagon as I thought, "I'll just have homemade, low-calorie shakes instead of food for a few days". Right. That lasted about six hours. Then a small binge as I had to learn (again) that my binging will always have consequences. I can't just "fast the weight off". Never.
Today has been better. I worked out in the morning, then again after breakfast. I just had finished my workout when my MIL arrived. I waded through some clutter and mess to open the door, said hi, and found my son underneath some other pile of clutter and took a shower. I felt so embarrassed to have such a fucking messy house. Still, I carried on.
I watched my niece for a while and my MIL watched the kid. It went well, but I started to feel exhausted fairly quickly. I felt like binging. I just feel trapped in the messy house, nothing to look forward to, just cleaning and childcare until the kid goes to school. I feel burned out. I want more time to feel like a pretty woman, like girl, like a person outside of "mommy". I am having a mani-pedi this week. That will help. I just get depressed at the non-stop treadmill of trying to keep a clean house, taking care of the baby and fending off the urge to binge. I miss being skinny. I miss having a job, having money, actually doing something. The cyclical nature of this is really hard, really boring and fucking depressing.
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