Wow!

I lost 5.5 pounds! Wow! I know some of it was water weight from last week. I got my period this week. I felt great when I heard that. I feel thinner.

Where has my compulsion gone? I certainly don't miss it. I was able to eat WW brownies yesterday without wanting anymore. Why don't I want to binge anymore? I think that it has something to do with guilt. I felt so guilty when I was pregnant because I was binging. Which made me punish myself even more. I have gone through my "guilt cycle" and have been "punished" enough. How can I avoid this cycle again?

I feel sad. I miss my Mom alot. I miss her every day. There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to apologize for being so judgemental towards her. I was very harsh on her when I was younger. Now that I am older, I can see how tough it was on her to raise three daughters and live with my father. You have to have nerves of steel, an iron will, and voice like Zeus to raise three daughters. My mom worked full-time, had an hour long commute each way to work, and had three daughters. That would have totally overwhelmed me. I never would have been able to handle that. I can only handle one child.

I feel sad that I never really knew her. Never really was able to comfort her and make her feel better. I feel sad that her pain was constant, untouchable and a reminder of all of the horror she had been through. As young as nine I knew that she was in horrible anguish. That's when my overeating began.

I am sad.