Thursday, April 14, 2011
What will happen?
I am having an up and down kind of week. I have exercised and lifted alot - good - up. Then I have eaten peanut butter and jam in the middle of the night, nibbled on chocolate and treats - down. I am worried that this will affect my weigh in. Still, I know that being really strict makes me rebound, so I am trying to find a balance. I feel sad and depressed lately. I just find that staying at home is hard. An embarassing kind of hard. Oh? Staying at home with your child is JUST TOO MUCH? I know, this is the kind of problem other women would love to have. It's just that I feel lost, bored and easily depressed without a job. I feel sad about my sister and my father. I just feel that they don't respect me. That my life, my kid, my husband, my house, my clothes and my eating habits are just wrong. It's hard. I feel angry about that.
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I swear, you & I are sisters from a different mister. I worry about other people judging me way too much, too. But you know what? It is SO MUCH FUCKING HARDER to stay home with my kid than I *ever* dreamed it would be. When you go to work, you get to interact with other adults, have intelligent conversations, and accomplish something every, single day. When we're home, we're on guard 24/7, trying to keep our kids safe and happy and comfortable; all the while maintaining the illusion of being happy ourselves. When deep down, we're not. We're bored, we're restless, we're sick of their (the kids) shit.
ReplyDeleteI know my husband doesn't respect me. And that was a huge part of the reason why my brother and I no longer speak to each other. It IS a lot to deal with, and we're just cursed with terrible coping mechanisms (food).
I'm here if you ever need to vent about it.