Friday, April 15, 2011
Crazy Body Image Crap
Yesterday I tried on some "goal" pants. Unexciting pants, just pre-preggo pants. I saw how my stomach bulged out and felt hideous. I felt disgusting, embarrassed at ever seeing myself a sexy, and frustrated. I haven't lost much weight in WW. It's alot of money to spend to lose two or three pounds. This morning I looked at myself and I saw alot of muscle. I saw that I had muscle definition that I never had before. I also know that WW is helping because it keeps me from having "Let's go eat everything in sight" type binges. That alone is worth the money. I have been struggling with depression alot lately. Feeling useless, pathetic, ugly and hopeless are constant problems. I have to deal with what happened to me with my alcoholic mother. It keeps intruding on my present life. I still hear her voice, I still flinch when people try to touch me or get close to me. I still feel like an ugly, clumsy kid stumbling around the house trying to stay out of trouble. I spent so much time hiding in my life. Hiding in TV, numbed by food, unable to really live. That's what alcoholism did to me.
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That's funny, because I had a shitty image day yesterday, too. I was feeling okay, but then the door on the back of our closet closed, & I got a view of myself sat in the office chair in the full-length mirror hanging on the door. Gut rolls, double chin, ugliness. Dave tried to kiss me when he got home, and I pushed him away & said I was unkissable and hideous.
ReplyDeleteI think WW is a great program, to help gain control & figure out realistic portions & calorie counts. However, it gives me food OCD. I think about food often enough during the day, but WW makes it obsessive. Phentermine helps with this a little. Yes, it's an amphetamine; but it takes the edge off of my bingeing.
And why are we still so fucked up, because of our childhoods? I was molested as a kid & then bullied all through school, because of all the weight I gained from trying to cope with being abused. I've never told anybody that, but there it is. And it haunts me every, single day. And do I think therapy would help? Sadly, no. I know a therapist would just tell me not to binge and to choose another less-destructive way to cope. But it's not that easy. I think, at our core, we're just damaged goods and things are never going to be easy for us.
We just try to hold it together as best as we can, and keep moving forward. I don't know how we do it, but we do.
Love to you, my friend. Just know you're not alone.