Improving

I am improving. I feel less depressed lately and more focused.

Yesterday I had a neighbor boy over to play. His mom and the boy's little brother came over as well. Richard was aggressive with the baby. He was pushing and knocking his friend's cars. The boy's mom is quite strict and constantly corrects her son. I am more laid-back.

I was so harshly disciplined as a child that I was barely in my body. I dissociated up until my mid-teens. I did not even know that I was doing it until years later. I am always tense and I loathe being touched by people I do not know. Once a gym teacher tried to show me a square dancing step. (They had to teach a dance unit and square dancing was it.) He innocently held my arm and I became tense as a board. That's what harsh discipline did to me.

So, I promised my son and myself that he would always be physically and emotionally safe. He would be comfortable in his body and be able to listen to himself, and not always be warily watching and thinking of what others want. Yesterday I began to worry though. Am I too lax? Will Richard suffer in school because he was not discplined enough? He laughs at me when and runs away sometimes. He refuses to listen at times. I know that this is fairly standard for 2 1/2, but I could not help but worry. Am I raising a brat?