Surviving

I feel a bit better. My husband called and we talked. I feel tense because I have to visit my father-in-law and my sister. I do not like being taken away from my familiar place and going to see relatives. It's murder on my system. I am scared that I will binge. I am scared of my FIL. I am much more comfortable around him than I used to be, but I am always nervous around him because he is a crabby old man. I've known him for seventeen years and he was crabby when I MET him. I feel scared of my BIL gossiping about me and my weight. I feel scared of being judged. I also feel angry. I know that DH will collapse with fatique the SECOND we arrive and spend the entire time complaining about being tired. I will be on double duty with the kid and the other kid because he will be tired. I feel scared that I won't get my workout in today. I LOVE exercising, but I got sucked into a vortex of cleaning today. I feel afraid and tense. I am scared of losing control with food, being insulted and hurt, and of being made fun of.

I also miss my Mom. I know that she was not valued or respected or safe in her family. I could see it in her eyes, I could hear in her voice when she talked about her family. What happened to her happened sixty years ago. It still resonates with me. It is a surge of pain in my heart for my Mom and how she abused.

Sometimes I fucking hate my grandparents.