Going Off Plan

Here is what always scares the shit out of me. I just ate a cup of pumpkin seeds, cereal, milk, toast and banana. It does not have the be the end of dieting at all. I know that. I know that I can eat lightly for the rest of the day, exercise and carry on.

This is the part that the 12 steps talks about. Once it not enough. Once one slips, it often takes the form of a free-for-all into binging. People have no power over whether or not they binge. I know-without a doubt- that I am a compulsive overeater. I've known that for years. Am I destined to binge all afternoon now? I don't feel hungry, just guilty. I feel like a heretic by not being in OA. I feel as though God won't help me because I am not in OA.

I know that my binges often begin with "I can't be perfect at this, so EAT!" Meaning if I cannot eat under 1800 calories today, then why try? I know that this does not have to mean that I will binge my face off for the rest of the day. I know that I will show a loss when I weigh this Friday if I remain present for myself, active and nurture myself with good food.

This does not have to mean the end of dieting. This does not have to mean the end of eating healthily. Here is the plan:

brush my teeth
drink water
fix healthy snacks for afternoon
every night, make and store healthy food for the next day
workout

I think that most important thing is that I believe that I can do it. That I deserve to do it. That my compulsive behaviour does not have to lead me around by the nose if I am willing to believe that I deserve better.