Surviving

I feel a bit better. My husband called and we talked. I feel tense because I have to visit my father-in-law and my sister. I do not like being taken away from my familiar place and going to see relatives. It's murder on my system. I am scared that I will binge. I am scared of my FIL. I am much more comfortable around him than I used to be, but I am always nervous around him because he is a crabby old man. I've known him for seventeen years and he was crabby when I MET him. I feel scared of my BIL gossiping about me and my weight. I feel scared of being judged. I also feel angry. I know that DH will collapse with fatique the SECOND we arrive and spend the entire time complaining about being tired. I will be on double duty with the kid and the other kid because he will be tired. I feel scared that I won't get my workout in today. I LOVE exercising, but I got sucked into a vortex of cleaning today. I feel afraid and tense. I am scared of losing control with food, being insulted and hurt, and of being made fun of.

I also miss my Mom. I know that she was not valued or respected or safe in her family. I could see it in her eyes, I could hear in her voice when she talked about her family. What happened to her happened sixty years ago. It still resonates with me. It is a surge of pain in my heart for my Mom and how she abused.

Sometimes I fucking hate my grandparents.

Sometimes My Husband..

makes me feel like shit. He is such a whiny little brat sometimes! He has been driving around a bag of clothes that has been meant to go to the Salvation Army for weeks. Weeks! Why? " Oh I thought you were supposed to look through them to be sure you don't want them". If I have not missed them in the WEEKS that you have been wasting gas driving that bag around - I DO NOT NEED THEM.

Today, he had to be a Big Boy and take three more garbage bags to the van to take to the Salvation Army (hopefully). He gave me attittude when I doubted if he would do it today. Right, because you ALWAYS take stuff the SA in a prompt, speedy manner. Yes. Yes you do.

Christ. I love him, but the babying he needs to function boggles my mind. It does not occur to him to put the bags away and file the receipts when he buys clothes, or even to put the clothes away. It would just sit there, a giant bag of junk he would pick though until I put them away.

He is just so easily miffed if he does not get the right mommying from me. SHUT UP.

Just get something done without whining, for once. Can you do that?

I walk around on less sleep than him, having done more exercise than him and he wants me to wipe his butt.

I do work hard. Sometimes I worry that he thinks that I am a lazy bitch.

I am a sensitive little soul...

When I was younger, my father used to call me 'sensitive'. It was kind of an insult, I guess. Maybe he did not mean it that way, I just felt (and still feel) embarrassed that I am sensitive. However, I have realized that I it is just how I am. Too much caffiene, any sugar, any flour, not enough sleep or sunlight - I am thrown off. Too many people in a crowd, too much choice, too much of anything, I get overwhelmed and sick. I wish that I was sturdier, but it's just who I am.

It's a little easier for me to take care of myself and understand myself knowing that I can become easily overwhelmed.

Lifting Is Life

I feel better. I did not take a sleeping pill last night. Did not get up and binge. Thank God! I am really looking forward to my run and planning to try to do two workouts today.

My little boy is growing up. He talks in sentences, puts his own boots on, states his own opinion (frequently) and is becoming his own person. It's hard being a Mom. What will he think of me when he gets older? Will he think that I am a wimp? Or too hard? Will I be able to teach him the right stuff? I love him so much.

I feel fairly good today. I think that I will study to become a Waldorf Early Childhood Teacher. I really believe in the Waldorf approach. I feel hopeful and good about my future. My focus for 2011 will be:

Lifting
Stretching
Running
Family
Childcare

That's it.

Ughghghhhh

So I did great on Christmas Eve day. Ate healthily, drank water, worked out hard. At my MIL's I watched what I ate, drank water, etc. I felt a little miserable towards the end of the evening. EXHAUSTED and with still a dice game to go, then pack up the baby, then go to my father's, unpack and put the kid down, etc. Still, I perservered. It doesn't sound like much to other people, but I am annoyingly easily overwhelmed and I had reached my limit. Seriously, more than two people at a party and I am practically Boo Radley.

Anyway, I was able to carry on to my Dad's and get everything done and go to bed. Then I took an imovaine. Then, I woke up at two and made a run at everything I could find. Fun. Chocolate, granola bars, etc. It continued throughout the day. Ugh.

I repeated that again in the middle of the night. Brown sugar peanut butter sandwiches
. FUCK........FUCK.

So, today I have a healthy eating plan, exercise plan and a cleaning-the-fucking-mess-up plan.

I feel better. I just felt self-conscious about my fat belly last night and upset.

I will put on muscle this year.
I will increase in flexibility this year.

I feel hideous

This all could be so much worse. I need to say that. I don't feel like binging. I feel like building muscle is a definite, achievable goal. I feel hopeful about my future and excited about Christmas, so I know that my life could be much worse. I just can't sleep. I guess my aunt's death has affected me much worse than I thought, but I hate how I feel. I dead. I feel teary. I feel depressed as hell. I feel really frustrated because I this insomnia is really hampering what I want to get done. I hate this.

It's 1 am, do you know where your blogger is?

I had a much better day today. I worked out hard, that felt great. I would be working out, in my own little "I am a badass world", then have to snap out of it and say "Richard! Stop scribbling on the floor!" Pretty much a quiet day.

How Is This Possible?

I took an imovaine last night. It's a fairly strong drug. It did nothing. What? Normally I experience a delightful sense of unconsciousness shortly after taking one. So, instead of exercising today, I have to work to maintain healthy eating and no-screaming-at-the-baby. That's about all I can do.

Hungover & Cranky

Sometimes my husband is so whiny. He can barely do one chore without needing assistance, cheering, reassurance, etc. Now he is sitting one the couch, carefully watching the baby watch TV so he can 'help' me. I just spoke to him like a stern parent about how he needs to get up and get some chores done or he will be angry (at me) and frustrated (at me) because he had to help me instead of getting a haircut.

Sigh. I feel so discouraged today. How could I go from feeling as though a binge was the last thing on my mind to eating six sandwiches and two disgusting bowls of cereal? Why? What happened?
I feel so sad right now. I don't want to go back to OA. I am not "better" than those in OA, I know that I need help. It's just that I don't feel anything when I pray for help. It's a constant feeling of unworthiness when I am in OA. That I am not humble enough, worthy enough and am never going to be good enough. It's too hard.

Sigh

Last night was fine. Until I took an imovaine. Then I binged on cereal and sanwiches. I guess it destroys the function of my brain that says "DO NOT DO THAT". Thanks. Crap. I feel disgusting and embarrased this morning because my husband noticed. He never comments, never judges and is only concerned, but it is still humiliating as hell. FUCK. What should I do for the rest of the day? I am full, horribly full of crappy junk. I do not want to go to the store because I will have one of those WTF moments of "LET'S EAT" and I do not want to detox from more junk food. I think that I am going to have to weigh myself every day from now on. Yuck.
Here is the plan for today:
Clean the house
Wash moldy sill (don't ask)
Do laundry
Tidy the deck
Clean the van
Lift weights
Drink water
Focus on now
Afternoon snack:
red pepper
carrots
banana

Dinner:
beans
salad

After Dinner Snack:
apple
almonds

I feel worried that this is definitive proof that I need to go back to OA. OA is a good program, I am not "cured" by any means of my disease, it's just the floating around, waiting, hoping and praying part that fills me with such depression and hopelessness. I want to DO something.

Inner Voice

I have been struggling horribly lately. I have had insomnia - bad. My aunt died on Tuesday night. I was not close to her. I hadn't seen her in years. I am not sure how to feel about this. I guess I feel sad. I miss her. I talked to my cousins and in an instant I was transported back to being a kid, being with my cousins. They were my connection to my childhood. When my mom was thin, healthy and happy. When we were close, before spouses, children and alcoholism drove us all apart. I will see my cousins in the New Year. It's time for us to get together again.

Today I was hungry after my afternoon snack. I forgot to eat a carb with lunch. I was at a store in the "healthy" section. Soo many choices, sooo much syrup. I knew that if I ate something it would start up cravings. I took something anyway, then I put it back. That Inner Voice said "You will have cravings". I was relieved. I went home and had two slices of toast with vegan margarine and sugar-free peanut butter.

A good day.

Not Bad

Well. I am not doing too badly. I had pistachos, vegetables and an apple for dinner. I did not exercise today, I had insomnia from hell last night and was walking around on no sleep. I just have to remain present, nurture my body, and believe that I deserve to be thin and healthy.

Going Off Plan

Here is what always scares the shit out of me. I just ate a cup of pumpkin seeds, cereal, milk, toast and banana. It does not have the be the end of dieting at all. I know that. I know that I can eat lightly for the rest of the day, exercise and carry on.

This is the part that the 12 steps talks about. Once it not enough. Once one slips, it often takes the form of a free-for-all into binging. People have no power over whether or not they binge. I know-without a doubt- that I am a compulsive overeater. I've known that for years. Am I destined to binge all afternoon now? I don't feel hungry, just guilty. I feel like a heretic by not being in OA. I feel as though God won't help me because I am not in OA.

I know that my binges often begin with "I can't be perfect at this, so EAT!" Meaning if I cannot eat under 1800 calories today, then why try? I know that this does not have to mean that I will binge my face off for the rest of the day. I know that I will show a loss when I weigh this Friday if I remain present for myself, active and nurture myself with good food.

This does not have to mean the end of dieting. This does not have to mean the end of eating healthily. Here is the plan:

brush my teeth
drink water
fix healthy snacks for afternoon
every night, make and store healthy food for the next day
workout

I think that most important thing is that I believe that I can do it. That I deserve to do it. That my compulsive behaviour does not have to lead me around by the nose if I am willing to believe that I deserve better.

Awesome Parenting Here

I try to keep my son from watching too much TV. I see him gaping at the screen and then feel guilty that he is not exercising his brain. However, I had insomnia last night and I feel dead today. So, here we are. "Max And Ruby" is on the 1000th time and Ruby is busting Max's nuts about his messy room.
Last night I set out an apple and some almonds in case I got hungry. It worked. I ate them instead of cereal. I feel hopeful about that.
Despite the insomnia, I will workout today. I need to feel my muscles burn.
Why can't I sleep?

Former Compulsive Overeater?

God, I feel so alone. I cannot do Overeaters Anonymous anymore. It's a great program. The people in it are genuinely loving, caring and inspiring. I need the 12 steps, my brain on sugar is like that of an alcoholic who is drunk. I know that I have character defects and that I need help. It's just that I cannot take the constant waiting, hoping and floating aimlessly that I feel when I am working the program. The praying, turning my life over and hoping for a Bill W. moment of surrender is too hard. I cannot take the hopeless, hapless experience of waiting for God to make it all better.
I just want to live a life of less compulsive behaviour. I don't want to eat sugar and flour. I am happy to give up sweets forever. I just can't wait for God to do it for me. It hurts too much.

Having said, I binged on cereal twice this week. I do not know why anymore. I guess I was feeling guilty because I did not go to my sister's for a baking marathon.
I am going to focus on veganism, yoga, clean eating, weight lifting and running. I have about 25 pounds to lose. Moreover, I want to get muscular and strong. I want to feel strong and flexible.


I will not ignore my spiritual side. I will pretend that there is no God, or that I am God. (I have done this, it's as crazy as it sounds.)

I just want to stop binging.

How?