Hmmph

Exercise is going really well. I feel worried today about pissing off someone at a graduate school I want to get into. I feel exhausted and I can't meet with her today. I hope she isn't mad.

I am up and down lately. I constantly struggle against the chattering monkeys in my head that scream that I am a LOSER. It's constant. My mother used to walk behind me glaring and criticizing me. Everything I did was evidence that I was selfish. It's so painful to remember that. She still screams in my head. Selfish, lazy, rude.

I hope I have lost weight this week.

Hmmm

Well, when I weighed in at the boot camp, I had only gained one pound. Such relief. I found the exercise to be enjoyable. Horribly strenous, but enjoyable. I wasn't the worst one there.

Fighting depression and boredom again. It' s hard. I feel depressed and the only thing I want to do is dress up, look cute and go shopping. Le sigh.

Terribly Disappointed

I am so sad right now. I had a horrible spiral back into food this week. A chocolate binge, pizza, fries, and then the next day I devoured my son's Easter chocolate bunny. I feel like such a loser. All that money spent and I have only lost six pounds and now I have probably gained it all back. I feel terrible.

I also feel really nervous. In desperation I signed up for a weight loss challenge. Now I have to go to a public place to do a boot camp and be weighed. I feel guilty for bothering my husband so early in the morning with this. I feel sad and lost right now.

Weigh In?

Well, I lost 3.7 pounds. I am back at 159. This week I am determined to go down instead of yo-yoing. It's funny how I feel about WW. I had tried it before, but it drove me crazy. Every day I went into my flex points, would just gain and then give up. This time I don't feel that hungry. I also feel that I must monitor my weight. Always. I can never just carry on, it's too easy for me to lie to myself about how many calories I am eating and gain. I also have had alot fewer 'eateateateateateat eaaaaaaaaaay EVERYTHING" moments. Weird. I never, ever thought that this program would work for me. I have been stewing about MM. Once, after an argument, my mother said "Kiss my ass" to me. I was fourteen maybe. It was really painful to hear my mother talk to me like that. As though she didn't love me. As though she never loved me. I remember being as young as three and hearing her say "Do you want Mommy to go away and never come back?" God, that terrified me. So many times she was rude, crude, dismissive and disgusting to me. My father was quite a coward in all of this. If he wasn't insulting me, he was giggling away while my mom insulted me. To this day, I loathe people getting close to me. I loathe being close to others. I always think "What's the point? It only makes me nervous". That's what alcoholism, insults and a presumption by my parents that I would 'always' be there for them did to me.

Mean Mothers

I am reading a book called "Mean Mothers". It is almost too painful to discuss. Many painful memories have come back, without the filter I have used "She was an alcoholic" "She didn't mean that" "She was raised that way". Mom made spaghetti squash for dinner one night. We hated it. SS is not a bad thing to make, and it certainly is annoying when you go to the effort and people don't appreciate it. Still, it somewhat spiraled into a horrible, revolting experience. It was decided by my dad that my mother should be allowed to sit in the living room and insult us because we did not like what she made. We were not allowed to talk back. My mother looked at me and said "Of course, you are a QUEEN". I guess because I was designated the 'sensitive one' and my mother resented the 'sensitive' handling I received. I opened my mouth to defend myself and my father said "Shh!" Why? Why was she allowed to lose control of herself and be cruel? Why was I treated like a piece of garbage? She was a mean mother.

Crazy Body Image Crap

Yesterday I tried on some "goal" pants. Unexciting pants, just pre-preggo pants. I saw how my stomach bulged out and felt hideous. I felt disgusting, embarrassed at ever seeing myself a sexy, and frustrated. I haven't lost much weight in WW. It's alot of money to spend to lose two or three pounds. This morning I looked at myself and I saw alot of muscle. I saw that I had muscle definition that I never had before. I also know that WW is helping because it keeps me from having "Let's go eat everything in sight" type binges. That alone is worth the money. I have been struggling with depression alot lately. Feeling useless, pathetic, ugly and hopeless are constant problems. I have to deal with what happened to me with my alcoholic mother. It keeps intruding on my present life. I still hear her voice, I still flinch when people try to touch me or get close to me. I still feel like an ugly, clumsy kid stumbling around the house trying to stay out of trouble. I spent so much time hiding in my life. Hiding in TV, numbed by food, unable to really live. That's what alcoholism did to me.

What will happen?

I am having an up and down kind of week. I have exercised and lifted alot - good - up. Then I have eaten peanut butter and jam in the middle of the night, nibbled on chocolate and treats - down. I am worried that this will affect my weigh in. Still, I know that being really strict makes me rebound, so I am trying to find a balance. I feel sad and depressed lately. I just find that staying at home is hard. An embarassing kind of hard. Oh? Staying at home with your child is JUST TOO MUCH? I know, this is the kind of problem other women would love to have. It's just that I feel lost, bored and easily depressed without a job. I feel sad about my sister and my father. I just feel that they don't respect me. That my life, my kid, my husband, my house, my clothes and my eating habits are just wrong. It's hard. I feel angry about that.

I feel weird

I feel weird. I always feel weird in the Spring. It's hard to describe. Lost? Empty? I gained FOUR pounds. Fuck. I know that alot of it was water bloat. Still, WTF. I am doing better today. I miss the high of lifting weights. I think that I push myself too hard. I have a good week, then work myself too hard and then collapse. I need to find a balance.

Le Sigh

I binged. Not on chocolate, chips and cookies. Whick is good, but on cereal and sandwiches. Crap. Now, should I weigh-in on Saturday, or on Monday? I don't know. I feel sad and bloated today. When will I stop weight cycling?

Recovering

I had a bad morning. I woke up with my shoulder throbbing, feeling nauseated, cranky and craving carbs. So, I didn't binge, but I certainly ate alot. I went grocery shopping and was tempted by WW dessert treats, I had them in my hand. Then I thought, What if this passes? Hmm. So, I put them down and took my son to the park. The exposure to the sun helped alot. I came back feeling better. I still am struggling with self-hatred. So much self-hatred. So often feeling as though I always get it wrong. As though my family will always see me as unforgivable. That I will always be a loser. I just don't know sometimes. I struggle daily with depression and self-hatred so often. No matter what I do, I feel wrong and unlovable. On a positive note, I am eating a plate of fruit and vegetables and I plan to do a run later. If I had eaten those treats, that would not have been possible. The craving did pass. I can recover from being less-than-perfect.

Mad, Sad.

I am angry. I am angry that my father and my older sister do not accept me. I have good life. I live the way I want to, but it is not good enough. I feel angry about this. I've done the best I could considering the violence, alcholism and turmoil I grew up in. I have had panic attacks, binge eating disorder, and depression. I have had to live a very careful life in order to keep myself from falling into the abyss of fear, binging and depression. So, I have not traveled much. I have a quiet life because I like it that way. I feel criticized though. I feel that I am good enough. I feel that my life is the way I want it, yet they behave as though it is not. I feel angry. Their treatment is a large reason why I have had to struggle to do the most basic things. Try traveling with panic attacks. Try adventures when you are fifty pounds overweight, work in a low-paying job and are struggling with depression. It was all I could do to just stay alive, much less live the life they say I should. Sometimes I feel so angry.

Weigh in..

Lost three pounds! That shows the importance of carrying on. I had a bad day last Saturday with those damn two point bars. Then on Monday I ate a bunch of cereal and thought that this week was wash out. Still, I carried on. I feel sad. Not totally sad, but a little sad. I feel weird. Last night I had dinner with my father and his girlfriend. I got alot of questions about my life and going on vacation. Then I felt criticized, like they were saying "Aren't you going to get a life? You are so boring". Where did that come from?

Loving Life

I feel great! I have lifted, run, stretched and been good to my body in the past few days and I love it! I love lifting, I love exercising. I have to stay in and clean today. Yuck. Yesterday I went out though. That makes it easier to stay home and work. I feel as though I have become lazy since I began to stay at home. I waste too much time on my computer, I put off alot of things that I should do, I just don't have alot of oomph anymore. Is this because of the kid? Is this normal? Or am I descending into laziness and will never come out? I think that what happened to me in my teen with my drunk mom and absent father really, really affected me. It still affects me. I think that I need to deal with it through therapy. How? What do I need to do? The guilt over my family wracks me every day. I feel guilty constantly. I hear my mother's critical, horrible voice every day. Will this ever change?