How Am I Doing?

Better. I felt HORRIBLE yesterday. I am getting over the flu and I could not exercise. I would up scarfing down three bowls of cereal. Ughghghghghg. Probably another bad weigh-in. I felt upset at first, but then I realized that it is not the end of the world. I have to stay focused. I love weight lifting. Tonight I am going to take my measurements and update my bodyblog.

Feeling Guilty

I couldn't see my dad yesterday because I got sick again. I feel guilty and worried that I have hurt his feelings. Sad. Too many carbs lately, feeling a little bloated. I want to feel lean and light again. I want the high of lifting. I don't care about anything. I want to lift, to run and lose weight. Lifting is life.

How Do I Feel?

Well, I feel a bit better. I weighed in, a gain of 2.6 pounds. I think that I lost weight too fast. I was not ready to be that low. I think that it scared me. I have conflicted feelings about losing weight. My older sister is totally unbelievable. She is incredibly accomplished and I feel inferior around her. I want to lose weight and be thin to "beat " her at something. I want to be a personal trainer so I can have an accomplishment to brag about.

My younger sister is plump. I feel sad around her when I am thin because I feel guilty. I feel guilty for losing weight. I felt guilty about losing weight around my mom too. I did not want to leave her behind.

I want to impress my father by being muscular. I want to be beautiful and thin.

Is This Possible?

Is it realistic to think about becoming a personal trainer? Maybe it isn't. I just love the idea of immersing myself in fitness for the rest of my life. I love the idea of being an inspiration to women over forty. Maybe this is a stupid idea.

I feel a little scared today. I am scared of binging again. I am scared of my husband being angry at me. I am scared of my family being angry at me. I feel tired and guilty. I don't want to have a boring weekend, but I might. What to do.

Better Today

I ate well today, tracked my food, exercised and stayed on track. I am actually scared of my weigh-in tomorrow. Isn't that silly? I am afraid of dissapointing my weigh-in lady. She was so impressed with me last week. I really had to sabotage myself. I wasn't ready to lose alot of weight yet. I am scared of the envy, of feeling naked and dead, of attracting more attention. I want it and I don't want it. It's a huge issue for me. I felt scared of losing weight too quickly. I feel afraid of being too skinny again. I feel numb when that happens.

Why is this?

Scared

I binged yesterday. Big time. I think I am scared of losing weight too quickly. Sounds crazy, but I am afraid of changing too quickly. I am scared that *this* is the end. I know that it is a crisis of confidence. I CAN lose weight. I know that I can, this is a normal bump in the road. Still, I don't want to keep binging.

I feel sad today. I feel sad everyday. I want my family. I feel afraid of my family. I feel afraid of my family's judgement and criticism. I am not sure what the future holds for me, or what I should do with my life. I feel sad.

I will post again tomorrow about how I am doing.

Wow!

I lost 5.5 pounds! Wow! I know some of it was water weight from last week. I got my period this week. I felt great when I heard that. I feel thinner.

Where has my compulsion gone? I certainly don't miss it. I was able to eat WW brownies yesterday without wanting anymore. Why don't I want to binge anymore? I think that it has something to do with guilt. I felt so guilty when I was pregnant because I was binging. Which made me punish myself even more. I have gone through my "guilt cycle" and have been "punished" enough. How can I avoid this cycle again?

I feel sad. I miss my Mom alot. I miss her every day. There are so many things I want to say to her. I want to apologize for being so judgemental towards her. I was very harsh on her when I was younger. Now that I am older, I can see how tough it was on her to raise three daughters and live with my father. You have to have nerves of steel, an iron will, and voice like Zeus to raise three daughters. My mom worked full-time, had an hour long commute each way to work, and had three daughters. That would have totally overwhelmed me. I never would have been able to handle that. I can only handle one child.

I feel sad that I never really knew her. Never really was able to comfort her and make her feel better. I feel sad that her pain was constant, untouchable and a reminder of all of the horror she had been through. As young as nine I knew that she was in horrible anguish. That's when my overeating began.

I am sad.

Day Before..

It's the day before I weigh in, I hope I have lost. I wasn't able to exercise alot this week due to insomnia, but I did not have any treats. No brownies, no chocolate, nothing. I feel happy that it's been weeks since I had a "let's eat everything on earth" kind of moment. I am gaining momentum and that is great!

As an aside, my husband was not upset that he had to help with the baby, it was fine.

Feeling Anxious

I had nightmares last night. Did not sleep well. The baby woke up and made a fuss, my husband sang him back to sleep. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen, but now I am scared of my husband being angry at me because I did not get him back to sleep.

I feel so tired.

Slowly But Surely...

Yep. I am getting there. I tried on some pre-preggo pants. These are my "I'm normal" pants. These are the "I am nearly back to my pre-preggo body". They are more wearable than they have been in THREE years. I grew out of my pants before the first trimester was over. I am glad that I did not lose it when I had a "bad fat day". I just kept on and now I feel great.

Feeling Scared

I am scared that I am never going to lose weight again. Silly isn't it? I feel thrown, as though I was kidding myself all along that I could lose weight. But I can. I did. I know how. Here are my weight loss assets:

I am a vegan - it rules out alot of food.

I have a treadmill that I love to use.

I exercise twice a day.

I love vegetables and fruit.

I don't kid myself about what I can get away with, I know that dieting is hard work.

I willing to be diligent about this.

I am willing to be honest about what I have eaten.

I am willing to plan out my food ahead of time.

I am planning a career in fitness.

I have a very supportive family.

I will lose weight this week.

On the frustration side, my hubbie is home this week and it is driving me nuts. I love having him around, but I have reached my crabby/saturation point and want him to shut up.

Sigh.

Eff To The You Cee Kay

Up 1.8 pounds. Ugh. Oh well, I set myself a goal that I will lose two pounds this week. Next week I will CRUSH it.

Lately I've developed a crazy infatuation over Jeff Bridges. I saw "True Grit". Loved it. Then had a rather enjoyable dream about him and now. Hmmmmmmm. I always get crushes on father figure types. Read into that what you want.

Hope everyone else out there is on target today.

Ugh

Two cereal-and-sandwich-binges - check.

Two-massive-peanut-butter-cups - check.

One-massive-Snickers-bar - check.

Let's go weigh-in today, shall we?

Sigh.

I'll start over, that's the key to all this.

Feeling Better

I feel better. I felt sick yesterday and I could barely workout. Today I feel better, so I can workout. I love exercising. I will workout twice today. I am going to try for becoming a "Shape" success story. Then I am going to become a personal trainer. I want to work with older people, moms with post-partum depression and obese people. I was reading a book about a woman who was over three hundred pounds. She had a session with a personal trainer. He began by weighing her and then by taking her measurements. Wrong. Wrong.Wrong. He then wanted to start her on weight training but did not seem to tell her why weight training is important. Muscle burns more calories than fat. I want to be the person that can help an overweight mom feel comfortable with exercise. I have been overweight. I can be the person that can understand an overweight person's feelings. Better than a size two person who has no idea.

Lifting is life.

I am watching "The Social Network" right now. Women have odd roles in this movie. They are eager gold diggers who want to dance naked in front of men who go to Harvard. They are submissive Asian hotties who LOVE to give blowjobs in bathroom. Or they are bitter, nasty ex-girlfriends who MEAN. Finally, they are nice, mommy types who say "You are not an asshole Mark". They aren't real people in this movie. If my son turns about to be as smug and entitled as the jerks in this movie I will have to smash him.

And To Make Things Worse..

I tried on a pair of jeans. I WAS feeling little and cute, but these jeans showed me that I have a long way to go. Now I am feeling sort of pointless, like "What's the point? I'm fat and ugly" "How could I ever have thought that I was thin?" It's cloudy, I have a day of housework ahead, (ugh) and I am embarrassed that my husband saw me eating last night. I feel fat and hopeless. I feel sad that I wrecked my hard work with overeating. I know that I have not actually wrecked my hard work, I built muscle, I burned calories, I toned my body and I have not had a go-to-the-store-and-inhale-M&Ms type binge in weeks. It will happen. Right now I actually enjoy getting dressed up and going out because I feel pretty. That is progress. It's just hard to feel fat and embarassed and frustrated for eating so much after a perfect day.

Sad Sad Sad

How is it that I get depressed on cloudy days before I even open the curtains? How does my body know "Come on, let's get unhappy!" because it is cloudy.

Anyway, I am really sad because I binged last night on sandwiches and cereal. Not a huge binge, more of a sleeping-pill-can't-remember-why-not kind of binge. I am sad because I will not have a good weigh in. I WILL keep tracking and working out, but I am sad that I ruined my hard work.

Wicked and Wonderful

That was a line one character said to another in Shirley Conrad's "Lace". "You look wicked and wonderful". Then they embarked on a passionate affair. This is not the book you should read if you are thirteen and trying to figure out sex. One character's husband wanders into the bathroom four years into their marriage, puts on makeup, a dress and forces his wife into sex. Another character puts a goldfish inside a woman for a sexual thrill. Then, of course, there was the two characters who unknowingly commit incest. Of course I read this book fourteen times.

Anyway, I feel a little wicked and mostly wonderful. Today I put on a cute outfit and went out. It was weird to be around my old binge places and not feel utterly pulled towards them. I felt like a beautiful mama, not a dumpy stereotype. It was AWESOME.

Lifting is life to me.

My next posting will be my review of "Flowers In The Attic". I just could not get ENOUGH incest novels in my teens apparently. An excellent way to learn about sex. Yes, a rape scene between a brother and sister who have been living in an attic for four years.

Cocky

I DID get cocky. I knew it. Ugh! In the past few days I have had one packet of GIANT peanut butter cups and one MONDO snickers bar. Fuck Fuck Fuck. I have used up all of my weekly points. Now I have five more days to make it. Will I lose? Will I gain? Shit.

Right. What I know is that WW is not just about losing weight for me. It's about being accountable. It's about not blizting out into "What The Fuck" world. So, I may gain, I may maintain, but I will track my food, exercise and just see what happens.

Fuck Yeah!

I know, the cursing is immature and off-putting. Still, I lost 1.3 pounds! Whoo Hoo! I can't believe it. I am not going to become cocky and assume that I can just relax and goof off, but it feels good that the exercise and vigilance is working. Yeah!

Let's Go Get The Bad- News!!!

Yay! No sleep no sleep no sleep no sleep - sleeping pills - cereal binge- weigh - in and "Oh, you're up slightly". That is my week in one sentence. FANTASTIC. (I'm trying to curse less here.) I am trying to focus on the fact that WW is not just about losing weight. It is about losing weight, but I also joined to be accountable, to constantly be aware of what I was eating and how much exercising. If I have gained, I'll be accountable. I will just start over and that will be that.

Now That I Think About It..

I ate WW brownies last week. I ate chocolate bars last week. I did not work out as much as I could have last week because I was feeling ill. 1.5 pounds is a defnite victory.

I am so tired. I am trying to keep my kid in his own bed and it is exhausting. I know that it is my own fault. I could never let him cry it out, so now he needs help going to sleep. I don't really regret that decision though. Still, he wakes up a couple of times a night and needs help going back to sleep. Ugh.

I feel somewhat happy. I love to exercise and I am going to do that today, I feel more attractive than I have since my first trimester and the desire to binge has receded. My depression has receded as well. I wonder why.