Mad Again?

I was just watching a documentary about obesity and one woman discussed her sad history of being sexually abused. It made me angry. I wasn't sexually abused, but my mother was. I am angry about times when this topic came up and she would tell US, her children - that she was sexually abused. I feel angry that if I was abused, she would have still made it all about her. I was very sad, withdrawn and unhappy as a teen. Since it was all about her though, she never asked why. If I was traumatized, she just would have discussed her own feelings. If I had brought up how I felt, - SLAP. Dad would have punched me for bringing up my own needs around Mom. It was always about her. Her feelings, her self-esteem, her childhood. I feel angry at how I could not have needs around her or my father.

Yesterday I had some dental work done and I came home in alot of pain. If I had been a teenager, this would have been a crisis. I would have asked for some Tylenol, and since my mom hoarded it, I would have gotten into trouble. If I persisted, my father would have gotten furious at me because I was disturbing Mom and her denial. He and mom would have sighed dramatically and then angrily given me the pills and then would have told me that I did not deserve them and that I was selfish.

It was a horrible house to grow up in. The denial of our basic needs and the abuse was constant and disgusting.

But Then..

But then I had a surprsingly good day. I guess it helped to blog about my feelings. I am back to the "Eat Clean Diet". It feels good.

I love the idea of becoming a peppy, fit, healthy mom. I guess that it because it is the opposite of how my own mother was at this age.

I am so angry!!!

I binged yesterday. I hate myself. Why? Actually I know why. I tried the "Spark People" diet. Too little protein. I felt hungry, annoyed, scared and sad. I hate food. I hate food. I hate food. I love exercising. I hate food.

I am so sad. I won't go back to OA. I wont. It's a good program, but I can't. I cannot handle the whole "Let Go And Let God" stuff. I just want to make plans, live and not fuss, freak out, and worry about my humility levels.

I feel scared today. As though I have done something bad. I feel guilty for talking about my family in therapy and for hating my sister. I am angry about my life. I hate myself for not learning how to drive. Will this ever work? Will I ever lose weight? I feel like such a loser.

I need to stop.

Feeling Better

Well, my husband and I had a talk and cleared the air.

I had a tough time with my older sister this weekend. She asked for some money for a ticket that I had to buy to see a show my niece was in. I felt furious! I spend tons of money on her kids. When they come to see me, I buy them food and gifts, etc. I never ask for the money from her. My sister spends 400 dollars on shoes, has 75 purses, buys her kids tons of toys, tons of clothes and she wants forty dollars from me? FUCK.

She is utterly selfish and self-absorbed. I am sick of her. Sick of trying to make her happy, make her approve of me. She planned a fucking trip for "the family" (actually for her) to a beach resort. She wanted me, my husband and my son to come. It would cost us alot of money we don't have to go someplace we don't want to go. I said no. She bitchily said "So you are not even going to ATTEMPT coming?" Um, no. I don't think so bitch.

I will never have the relationship with her that I want.

Pissed Off

God, I am pissed off. I wanted to go on a vacation weekend with my husband and he said that we don't have the money. Every year he says this!!!

I never go anywhere. We barely do anything. We spend the summer as we spend the winter, sitting at home, watching TV. I hate it. He is such a stick in the mud. He just gets tired, doesn't do anything and that's that. I really want to go somewhere and do something, but not with him. He will never get improve. It feels hopeless. I'll never have anything. I will always be bored, at home and still waiting for my life to begin.

Here I Sit

Here I sit. Happy that I have finally washed the kitchen floor and that the house looks decent. I have had a decent burst of energy in the past few days so I have gotten some important stuff done.

I was reading a book about depression yesterday and I was surprised to read that I have chronic depression. I really did not think that it was that bad. I thought that I had depression, but not that I was "chronically depressed". I also found out that food affects mood. I knew that tons of sugar affect mood of course, I also knew that alcohol is a depressant. However, I did not know about vitamin deficiencies and how they can contribute to depression. Hmmm.

I feel worried about my son. It's silly, but today as I was walking him out of playschool, one of the teachers smiled broadly at a child walking past who also attended the playschool. I thought "Hey, what about MY kid?" She did not smile at him. Why? Is he difficult? That breaks my heart. Is there something wrong? Is he going to be a brat who cannot cope with school?

I know that that is quite an overreaction to a teacher who perhaps did not see my son. Still, I worry.

Every day seems to further confirm that I should not have another child. My disorganization, my depression, my fears, it all adds up NO WAY.

Am I kidding myself about becoming a personal trainer? I love exercise and I love the idea of living the fitness lifestyle, being healthy and helping others be healthy, but am I fooling myself?

Argh

Alot of good things are happening in my life. I want to start off positive with this entry.

- It's sunny and summer is really starting up.

- I feel attractive and strong since I began weight lifting again.

- I am excited about the possible career choice of being a personal trainer.

- I feel positive about the future.

My sister emailed me yesterday. She is going to visit my older sister. I was not invited. Is this an overreaction? I don't really know. I could have gone. I just feel afraid of going and being surrounded again by food.

I always feel annoyed when I get there because my older sister peppers me with questions about my life, then seems disappointed when my life is not what she wants it to be. I don't go to fancy restaurants, I don't spend alot of money decorating, I enjoy a quiet life because that is what I want.

It's tiresome.

I felt peeved because I emailed my younger sister about wading through a depressive phase and she emailed back that I should get help because I seem to go through this alot and it must be hard on my family. Thanks, I never thought about getting help. God.

It just triggered alot of rage in me at my younger sister's bullying me. I have always felt such tremendous guilt about not being as good a daughter as she is. I let her boss me around. I hate her sometimes. I feel angry at not being accepted for who I am in my family.

I withdrew from my family because the dysfunctional dynamics around my mother's drinking was killing me. I was binging away the pain and the sadness. I decided that I did not deserve to suffer like that and if my parents were not going to protect me, nurture me or value me, I was not going to be close to them.

I feel really guilty about that. I don't know what to do. I feel angry at being rejected and ignored.

I fucking hate my family.

What A Depressing Blog!

LORD! This blog better cheer up soon! Well, where I live it has been raining and grey. Ugh. I know that people are dying in a heat wave and here I am in the rain.

Well, I weighed myself. No loss. I feel dissapointed because I have been working hard, but no loss. I feel sad and scared that I will never lose weight.

I know, I know, the scale is not all there is. I just feel scared that I will restrict too much and binge, or just never get this right. I hate this.

Aaaand Depression Rolls In

Fuck. I feel so depressed. I binged last night on sandwiches and cereal. It could have been worse I know, but - fuck. The perfect storm occurred:

- not enough sleep

- not a good workout

- ate sugar

-nibbled on sugary stuff

- depression

Then the clouds of "Why not?" "Poor me" rolled in and then I ate.

I'll never be fit enough to be personal trainer at this point.

I hate depression and insomnia.

I want to change.