What's Up With Me?

What is up with me? I have been fighting a minor urge to binge all day. I just ate two bowls of oatmeal, milk, protein powder and sugar-free chocolate mousse mix. Why?

I was mixing it and it popped into my head, "I am angry". I am angry at my father. I have been obsessing all day about how he did not accept my independence. I detached after I moved out, I spent less time with him and Mom. I probably hurt Mom's feelings. I probably hurt his feelings. I just couldn't take it anymore. I have just finished a fun afternoon watching two other children along with Richard. I then felt angry at my father. I have been a loving, warm, respectful caregiver and mother. I know I am.

Why couldn't he appreciate that? Why can't he see what a great person I am? Why is it so hard for him to see that I am loving, kind, respectful and fun? Why is he so distant? What have I done wrong?

It's Good News

Well, I have been weighing in every day. It's been helpful in keeping from the "binging tunnel vision" I get. You know, when the only thing I can see is chocolate and all I can think about is how chocolate tastes good. When I can remember how it feels to wake up after a binge and realize that I am not going to make my goals again, I can stay out of "binge mode".

So, I weighed myself and I have lost three pounds. Good for me! However, it is a small potential trap because it triggers the pre-binge thoughts, "Hey, I am AHEAD of my weight loss goal. It's easy to lose weight. Let's eat!"

Again, a deconstruction:

"It's easy to lose weight. Why don't I eat and lose the weight I gain?"

If it is so easy, why is the baby almost three and you still have thirty pounds to lose?

"I deserve a treat! Everyone else gets a treat!"

Is that why obesity is a major health problem in Canada?

"I can handle just a little"

Right now it may feel like you can, but that ALWAYS snowballs into a binge. You may get sleepy tomorrow afternoon, and then - BAM! Your willpower and focus disapears and you binge.

Do you want to write out your weight loss goals AGAIN?

155 pounds by December 25.

A slim, sexy Christmas.

Feeling thin and sexy in the Fall.

Looking good at the baby's third birthday party.

161 by September 1st

158 by October 1st

155 by December 25th

I can do it!!

Worried

Had a really positive day. Exercised like crazy, felt good, stuck to healthy eating plan, then - aagh.

I made my son some peanut butter pudding. It's peanut butter, (sugar free) yogurt, (non-fat, plain) mixed with a packet of 'sugar free' chocolate mousse powder. I ate about 1/2 cup. Yet I knew that the ingredients included glucose, sugar. I am scared now that I will have a monster craving later. I probably will be at the mall, I am scared that I will get the 'tunnel vision' and just say "What the hell".

Here is a deconstruction of my pre-binge thoughts:

"I can always start tomorrow".

True, but it feels horrible to wake up from yet another binge and have to start over.

"I am not so fat that I look horrible"

You don't feel good at this weight. It is not a healthy weight. You are too young to become a frumpy mom.

"Poor me! Poor me! Everyone else is eating this!"

How will they feel later? Some will feel fine, some may not. However, if you eat it, you will have to deal with the consequences.

I want it NOW. I want to feel good NOW. Poor me, I deserve this."

How will you feel tomorrow? How will you feel tonight?

How do you feel having to write out weight loss goals again?

155 pounds by December 25.

I want to button up my blue cordoroys with ease.

Still Positive

I thought that I would blog while I feel positive. I was sick yesterday and could not exercise, but I did not binge. I certainly ate more than I should have, but when I feel ill I feel crazy hungry. I feel good today. I am going to exercise, clean up the place and go out with the baby. Could be more exciting, but that's what I want to do.

New Challenge

I want to go for seventeen weeks without sugar. That will take me to December 25th. I want want want want to feel slim and sexy at Christmas.

So far, we are three days into week one of NO SUGAR. Good for me.

Somehow Positive

I feel more positive and hopeful today. I just feel that I can lose weight if I avoid my 'fat traps'. My relationship with my sister causes me so much anxiety. I feel guilty about resenting her and sad. I also feel confused, am I being unreasonable? Or selfish?

I don't know.

I Binged Again

I just feel the need to get that out there. I was tired today. I could not remember a reason why not. I feel sad and scared that I am always going to be fat. I feel sad that I failed. That I was frankly, stupid. Just stupid. I know that I could have made a different choice, but I didn't. I just was too tired to go out, and too tired to remember why not.

Fuck.

I feel sad.

Tired, But Good

I have had insomnia for the past two nights. Too hot perhaps? So I am in the classic Fat Trap of JoannaLand. Tired, haven't exercised, feel guilty, stuck in house. So, I am working on taking it easy today. I am being good to myself and doing what I can, with a few rests along the way.

I feel angry about becoming a Child Life Practitioner. I worked really hard last time and it amounted to nothing. I feel angry that other people became C.L.P. and I didn't. I know, sounds whiney. I just needed to let that out because I am going to try again to get an internship.

It's Saturday Morning

And I feel okay. I had bizarre dreams though. I dreamed that Patton Oswalt was in a weird, underground movie that was a mishmash of crazy vignettes put together by a drugged-out wacko.
Then I dreamed that I was flying to Japan with my friend Karen and our kids. It was a nightmare. My passport was declined, I lost Richard, I kept being terrified that the plane was going to crash, we had to change planes, the planes rolled down a major street, I lost my purse, I kept losing Karen, it was horrible. What a crazy dream.

Today's fitness includes:

run/walking intervals on treadmill
yoga
brisk walk on treadmill
shoulder workout

Feeling Better

I thought that I should post while I feel good. I just exercised before breakfast. I feel a little scared because I am having lunch with my sister and dad. I feel scared of feeling hurt by my father and sister. That's really my stuff, they can't read my mind and figure out what hurts me and what doesn't. They certainly try.

I am hopeful again. I want to lose fifteen pounds before Christmas. I never care about a bikini, but I want to feel sexy and slim at Christmas.

That's my goal. Wear my blue cordoroy pants at Christmas and feel sexy.

Yep. Blue Cords. Fashionista here.

What Should I Do?

Well, I did binge that afternoon. I ate, big time. I tried OA again, and I love the spirituality, the feeling of not being alone, but I can't stop everything and be humble. Am I in denial? Am I powerless? What should I do? I felt so empty and dead this afternoon that I had chocolate. I just need to exercise and eat healthily to feel alive. I feel sad and scared that I am only fooling myself about all this and that I am really never going to lose weight.

I bought some natural vitamins that have been proven to reduce sweet cravings. Not just "It says so on the bottle and the model in the ads swears by it", but several studies have recommended chromium to reduce sweet cravings.

I feel scared that I am spiraling into a huge gain. I must have gained seven pounds in the past week. I am going to weigh myself tomorrow. I am betting on 170. It will not be pretty, but I must face what I have done.

I know that I love to exercise and eat healthily, it's just some stuff that I need to work on.

Am I a compulsive eater in denial? Will I ever lose this weight?

I Don't WAnt To Binge..

I feel scared of tonight and of this afternoon. I could not sleep and Ben is going out tonight. I feel afraid of self-pity, "what the hell", etc. I want to eat well today, not be depressed, and not be afraid.

I have started a personal challenge of 21 days of no refined sugar and no "protein bars". They are not helpful! We'll see I guess.

I feel sad and lonely today. I want to go out and do something, but what?

I keep feeling guilty about not going back to OA. I feel as though I am a sinner running from redemption. Yet I have read about many people losing weight without OA. Am I powerless over food? Is it possible for me to stop binging without the 12 steps?

I just want to eat healthily, not binge, and workout.

I can do it!