Feeling Good

I feel good lately. I feel as though I have rediscovered myself. I love weight lifting. That's what I need to focus on. A weight lifting diet and a weight lifting routine. It's so simple, but I get distracted too often.

I am wondering what I should do for a career. Expressive Arts Therapist of personal trainer? Both have value. Hmmm.

Improving

I am improving. I feel less depressed lately and more focused.

Yesterday I had a neighbor boy over to play. His mom and the boy's little brother came over as well. Richard was aggressive with the baby. He was pushing and knocking his friend's cars. The boy's mom is quite strict and constantly corrects her son. I am more laid-back.

I was so harshly disciplined as a child that I was barely in my body. I dissociated up until my mid-teens. I did not even know that I was doing it until years later. I am always tense and I loathe being touched by people I do not know. Once a gym teacher tried to show me a square dancing step. (They had to teach a dance unit and square dancing was it.) He innocently held my arm and I became tense as a board. That's what harsh discipline did to me.

So, I promised my son and myself that he would always be physically and emotionally safe. He would be comfortable in his body and be able to listen to himself, and not always be warily watching and thinking of what others want. Yesterday I began to worry though. Am I too lax? Will Richard suffer in school because he was not discplined enough? He laughs at me when and runs away sometimes. He refuses to listen at times. I know that this is fairly standard for 2 1/2, but I could not help but worry. Am I raising a brat?

Feeling Better

I have decided to try the "Eat Clean Diet". I like it because it is more about what you should eat instead of what you shouldn't. It also is laid out quite simply. Eat every three hours. A protein, a carbohydrate, and a fat. It's also very bodybuilding-friendly, which I like.

I feel better these days. I am feeling more inspired by what I have to do since I started viewing it as a job, a job that I don't necessarily like. Somehow that makes it easier for me.

I Am Afraid Of My Son

That's the type of attention-grabbing headline that Salon would put on this. My son is 2 1/2. He is not violent, in fact, he is a sweet little boy. Therein lies the problem.

A bit of history. My mother was an alcoholic. My father was violent and scary. By the time I was thirteen I had stopped trusting them. By the time I was twenty I hated them. I judged them harshly, I vowed to never be like them.

Now I am the parent. Now I am the one disciplining, saying 'no', refusing to listen to whining and pleas. I worry - will my son hate me the way I hated my parents? I know that rejecting parental values and testing limits is a natural part of growing up, will my son one day turn a critical eye on my the way I did my parents? Will he diagnose me with some trendy psychological malady he read about? Will he only hear me through the filter of psychobabble?

I worry that my son will think that I am an idiot because I cannot do math in my head. I apologize alot and avoid conflict. I strain hard in social situations to make people comfortable. Will he hate this about me?

I spend alot of time snuggling happily with my son. He gazes up at me with guileless adoration. He says "You are my best friend Mommy". He pounds on the door when I am in the bathroom, wanting to be with me. Naturally, I love being adored - but I know that it only lasts for so long.

I have never seen anyone study my face with as much intensity as my son does. I look at his beautiful eyes and worry about what will happen when he inevitably turns away from me? My greatest fear is that I will take is personally and respond like a jilted lover, screaming, clutching, guilt-tripping him for only doing what is natural.

Will be able to handle the razor-sharp criticism of an naive, psuedo-sophisticated young adult? Will I be able to handle it when he prefers his friends to me?

I hope so, but every day I fear the inevitable rift that will occur when he begins to criticize me.

Crap

I feel like crap. I got sucked into starving again. This always happens. I fool around with starvation and then binge. I feel like crying, but I think I have forgotten how. I feel so ashamed of myself for not knowing how to drive and for letting everyone down over the years. I feel disgusting and fat. Staying at home is murder. It sounds stupid, but I hate not having a job. I need places to go, people to see, important tasks, etc. I just laze around all day, I feel pointless and bored and uncertain of what I should do. If I stay in and clean, my depression kicks in and Richard does not socialize. If I go out my house is a disgusting mess. I feel so sad today. Just fat and sad and hopeless. I want to be more organized, more together, more everything, but it never works.
I feel terrible.

Sometimes

I feel better today. I am actually able to clean without descending into crazy depression thoughts. That is huge. I just feel angry at how I was treated when I was a teenager. I wasn't allowed to be who I was without some nasty comment from my mother or horrible, cruel joke from my father. Sometimes I feel sad and angry about missing out on friends, school, life, activities, etc. because I was too busy trying to be invisible so I wouldn't get target by my family. I'm angry about that.

I need to get over it. I know. It's just taking a while. I know that I am incredibly lucky. I'll write that again in caps I AM INCREDIBLY LUCKY. I know that being born in Canada makes me lucky, I have a great husband and a healthy child. I am turning forty soon and I don't feel depressed about it, I feel as though my life is just beginning.

Noticing A Pattern

Whenever I lose focus on weight lifting, I gain. I slip, have trouble and screw up. I think that that is the truth for my life. I always need to stay focused on lifting weights and the weight lifting lifestyle.

I feel better. I hit a horrible depressive skid when I couldn't workout for two days, but I worked out yesterday.

Life is hard. I shouldn't feel sorry for myself, but I find staying home with my kid to be hard. It's a constant struggle against inertia, depression and hopelessness. I have to learn to deal.