WHEN WILL I LEARN?

You know, the only diet that works for me is "Eat Clean". It has a decent amount of carbs and protein where I don't feel deprived. Anything else does not work for me. I want to smash my head in because I just wasted over 300 dollars on a trainer's food plan that is not possible for me! God, I am an idiot.

So I Saw The Counselor...

And I feel better. I still feel repulsive from yesterday's binge. Yes, that's right. Yesterday I ate a bag of Reese's Pieces (large bag), a huge bag of M&M's and part of another bag. I feel so blobby and gross.

I feel a little sad. I want to lose weight. I have the exercise part down, I love healthy eating and drinking water. It's just the overeating part that I screw up. I don't know what to do about that.

Depression Slide

Down I go. I feel depressed today. Pain in the ass!!!! I feel really sad. I feel scared too. What if this never goes away? What if Richard has a depressed Mom forever?

I talked to my trainer today. Not alot of help. The food plan she sent me has egg whites 3 TIMES a day. With mushrooms and peppers. 3 times. Is she kidding? Or maybe is this the best way? Lots of choice does not necessarily work for me. I just feel blobby, fat and depressed. I am so alone right now.

Two Posts? WTF?

I guess reading other people's blogs inspired me. Today I actually am staying inside and cleaning. Usually my mental health is too precarious for me to do that, I HAVE to go outside. Still, today I just felt like staying inside and doing stuff.

I feel sad. Just depressed. What else is new right? I obsess daily over what happened to my family. I grew up in an alcoholic family and every night for fifteen years I had to lie, walk on eggshells and pretend that my mother was not completely drunk. It was horrifying. I have never gotten over it. Never. I read alot of ACOA literature in my late teens and began 'detaching' from my family. As I grew older I spent less time with them than my sisters. I did not see my parents when my mother was deteriorating. My family has never forgiven me for this. I don't think that they ever will. I feel so angry that my surviving was seen as selfish.

Why am I writing about this again?

Aaand She Does The Stupid Dieter Trick/ Denial Of Reality

So, I received a nutritional plan from my trainer. It looked strict, so naturally - it was TIME FOR A BIG BAG OF REESE'S PIECES. This is after the previous day's bag of Reese's Pieces/pudding/graham crackers, etc. Fuck. Fuck.

Anyway, I feel better today. Just mad at myself for adding on pounds. It's the whole "Magic Food" theory of the Night Before The Diet. "What I eat now does not count lalalalalalalala". Sigh.

Still, I have some subbing work coming up. That will feel great. I will learn to drive soon. Then I can stop hating myself.

I feel sad that I am not with my family in Osoyoos. It's hard.

Waaaay Up, Then Down

Well, I should have posted on Sunday because I felt fairly good. I could see more tone in my body and realized that I have lost weight. Not as much as I want, but I could see progress. Then my husband and I were able to do it for the first time in a long time. AAhhh.

But then I woke up with cravings, I fought them all day, but sucumbed in the evening. Not a huge binge, but enough to show a gain. Fuck. I just have to avoid sugar from now on. I always have a craving in the afternoon. How to beat it?

I Have Had A BAD DAY

Ugh. I went out with my younger sister and felt like such a loser next to her. I just have a boring, simple life and that's the way it is. I felt like a total loser next to her. Then some kids came over and my son became a monster! Nightmarish. Pushing, hitting, whining, not listening. It was mortifying.

I feel so depressed right now. I just feel hopeless about my life. About my future. I feel like such a loser.

Feeling Good

Well, I feel fairly good. Excited about the possibility of a fitness competition!

I keep wondering about my future. What will I wind up doing? I like the idea of being a personal trainer. I still will work in ECE, but I think that I will personal train on the side.

Life is interesting lately.

Here I Am

Well, not much has been going on lately. Positive things are happening. I have been working out and lifting still, and I signed up with a personal trainer for help with competing in a fitness competition!