No Sleep

I am exhausted. I did not sleep last night and I felt nauseated to boot. I was afraid to take an Imovaine because of the sleep eating syndrome. So, I am walking around on three hours of sleep. Still, I did manage to take the baby out. That's cool.

I feel angry at how my husband behaved at my sister's house. He was sluggish, withdrawn and gave me a grumpy look when I asked him to help with the kid. I feel so angry about that because I worked hard at his parent's house to fit in, to help, to let him visit with his family and he did not return that. I feel angry that I cannot say anything without being reminded of "how hard he works for this family". I feel angry that he is not like my two BIL. They help more with the baby, with housework, etc. without becoming whiny little babies. Sometimes it is so obvious that DH was the "baby" of the family. It really shows sometimes. I feel angry that there is no way to express this to him without him becoming defensive and nasty. I feel angry and trapped.

Good and Bad

The good news is that I have lost the weight I gained from my two days of New Year's Eve. I am so glad to see that . I am weighing in daily. For some people this may not work, but it stops me from slips when I know that I have to see my weight the next day. It does have its negative side. My brain is constantly thinking "Let's EAT EVERYTHING". So, since I have lost weight, my brain will say "Okay, it's not that hard to lose it, so EAT."

I am going to enter into a contest on bodybuilding.com. The 12 week makeover challenge. Complete with pictures and measurements. That is a definite goal for me to work on.

I feel alot better today. Today is an up day, mood wise. I have to be watchful for the inevitable drop off that will come. I need to be aware so I don't get sucked in.

Today Is..

Sad. I felt sick today and cancelled seeing a movie with my sister. Was I having social anxiety? Probably. I hate this. I hate being inside on a Saturday night. I feel hemmed in and resentful right now. I want to live more, do more, but how?

At least I exercised. That felt great! I worked my lower body, which I fucking hate. I did lunges, plies, squats, hamstring lifts, and calf raises.

I feel pissed off that I have to see my MIL tomorrow. I like her, but I would rather spend the day at the movies by myself than go on a visit to my MIL. I just feel burned out on the kid. The whining, the attention, the constant guilt that I feel because I do not do enough with him, it sucks.

Back On Track

Well, yesterday SUCKED. I felt ill, was not able to exercise and wound up overeating. I did not go to the store and binge, but it was very, very close. I read magazine articles about weight lifting, read blogs, sat around, and began to feel a little feverish and ill. GREAT. I am going to be stuck in the house and I will want to binge to get away from the feelings of uselessness and anger. Still, I rallied and made a list of ways to avoid binging. It worked.

Better still, today I don't feel ill. I just finished a great workout and I am going shopping with my kid. I feel much better. I can never be a willow, but I can be strong. That is better anyway. I am going to get another small lifting session in tonight as well.

Yesterday I was reading a book, "The Amazing Adventures Of Diet Girl". The author was a binger, like me, and she went to WW to start losing weight. She weighed 351 pounds when she started. At some point in the book, she writes "The binging days are over for me". That really hit me. I thought to myself "I don't binge anymore". Hmmm. "Binging is not an option". I never thought of that before. In my life, binging urges had to be obeyed. Now when I want to binge, I think "That will mess up my workout". I am not a binger anymore. That part of my life is over.

I have to remember that I go through mood cycles. The last three days have been low. Today is high. I have to watch for the low and make sure that I don't get sucked into them for days.

Lifting Is Life.

AAARRGH!

Binging, take two. Ugh. So, these past two days have been my own personal New Year's Eve. I have eaten decadently, had sex and not-given-a-damn. Now it's over and it's time to get back to work. I feel that daily weighing and making my meals the evening before is the only way I will be able to get back on track. Otherwise, it's too easy for me to slip. If my food is ready and waiting, it's much easier to eat properly.

Lifting is life.

And then...

I binged. Shit. The day before yesterday I had a "oh screw it" moment and ate some of my husband's bran flakes. Naturally they had sugar in them. Then yesterday I had some dodgy protein stuff that had palm nectar in it. Cravings arrived. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore. Niggly little cravings. (hey joanna eat eat eat eat eat eat) All while I was attempting to be a mature parent. So, I bought my son a cookie from the bakery. I should have been honest and said to myself that I am going to the bakery to by myself a cookie. Naaah. So we go to the bakery and practically hump the display cases because everything looks so good. ( eat eat eat eat eat eat eat )

We go home, child nibbles on cookie, enjoys cookie. Leaves cookie to go play. Mom picks up cookie. Mom not willing to acknowledge reality. Mom throws cookie away. Mom retrieves cookie from garbage and eats it.

Great. Bakery Part Two. Box of chocolates. Chocolate eggs. Pizza. Sandwiches. Cereal.

Today even my eyelids feel fat.

Note to self. Don't kid yourself. You cannot handle sugar and flour in any form.

I Survived Christmas 2010

Yeah baby. I survived visiting relatives and sleeping in unfamiliar beds. Me and Aron Ralston (127 hours guy) are on the same level. He cut off his own arm and I left my cocoon for 48 hours. Whoo!

Anyway, I did survive despite having a horrible beginning. On the morning that we were supposed to leave, I arose in an Imovaine haze and binged on cereal and sandwiches. That is the worst beginning I could imagine. Now I am leaving familiar territory, going the land of junk food and not able to exercise. When the drug fog cleared, I was able to right myself and eat healthily for the rest of the day. Still, I was petrified that I would binge all day, get depressed and lazy, and spend the entire time plotting to sneak sweets instead of being with my family.

I survived a potentially triggering event, my half-drunk FIL looked at me at dinner and said "Would you like a drink?" I said no. (Mother was alcoholic, alcohol is sugar in liquid form, also a depressant, do not need a drink.) He looked at my (skinny, gorgeous ) SIL and said "Doesn't she look like she NEEDS a drink?" AAAAAAGH! For a horrifically sensitive soul like me, that is MURDER. Still, instead of bursting into tears and announcing that I hated him, (grist for the gossip mill) I said "I need a lot of things, some of which I will get tonight". (Sly glance at husband.) They all said "Ooooh". (They love bawdy remarks.) Situation averted.

Anyway, we went to my older sister's house. Her beautiful, old house. Her beautiful, old, beautifully decorated house. Filled with thousands of dollars of toys, shoes, clothes, dishes, makeup, remodeling, Barbie houses (three), a giant train table, two giant televisions, a bouncy castle, a play house, etc. A wave of jealousy swept through me as I entered. I always feel jealous and a little angry whenever I go there. My BIL is a lawyer. He is a really nice guy and is a total family man. He is happy to provide for his family, but sometimes I feel pissed off. I went to school, I studied, I earned good grades, yet the most I will ever make is probably 23 dollars an hour. That's with a BA and a diploma. My husband works hard, and he definitely makes good money, but we will never have such a lavish lifestyle. It just isn't fair. I know, LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Just ask any woman who lives in Afghganistan if life is fair. She would look at my life and probably feel angry at what luxuries that I enjoy. Anyway, I worked through that and enjoyed my lovely family.

Still, every time I went to my room, I had to pass by a huge bag of chocolate chips. That I could have swiped and taken to my room. That I could have eaten a TON of in five minutes. I survived that .

I love half a pound over Christmas. A-MAZING. I am at my lowest weight since my second trimester of pregnancy. 162 pounds. My goal is 135 - 140. If I stay away from sugar and flour. I will make it.

I hope that my two followers have had a great Christmas as well!